occasionally i see myself on a skiff, looking for marlins, in the florida keys.
in this little fantasy, it's just me, old and alone, on the last few miles of a long journey.
i don't know why the keys, except maybe that the water there is warm and iridescent blue, and that after the global-warming hurricane years, what's left of the land there is barren. and cheap.
as i'm old, with no one to worry about except myself, i don't worry about the next storm so much as the next meal. the next fish into the boat.
but, importantly for my old bones, the air is warm, and humid, and keeps the aches from being too bad.
i've kicked my caffeine habit, and i've given up the wine and beer. none of it is readily available, and i have no way to keep anything hot. or cold. just room temperature, which is a pretty consistent 82.
i don't know where the children are. and they have no way to reach me. they were both pretty well set up after their mother passed, and i didn't feel like i had a lot of value to add to their lives. the boy never really liked me, see, and the girl...well, she was always so self-posessed and happy. what use did she have for a tired, disheartened old man?
there's no internet, no news, no outrage to channel.
i don't miss it.
i rise with the sun, sleep at sunset. i breathe, and, on really good days, manage to stay out of my own head and out of my own way for hours at a time. it's very refreshing.
and quiet. even the storms, noisy as they are, don't disturb the soundless days and nights.
i fish. and swim. and walk. i watch the sky, and meditate on the finite and the infinite.
nothing gets resolved, but then again, no one ever said life was easy.
it's just an occasional fantasy. it doesn't come around often. i have no idea what it means.
and it's not so bad. it just is.