Wednesday, February 29, 2012

quadrennially yours...

february 29th doesn't come along every day, y'know.

which is good, since this year it coincides with me being sick. yes, i got the flu shot, therefore it isn't the flu. i insist. regardless, for the last 48 hours, maybe 72, my head hasn't been right. (far longer than that, you say? oh, very funny. ha. ha.)

while awake i've been sneezy, achy, dizzy, sleepy, and a couple more of the seven dwarves. while sleeping...i've had some really weird dreams.

he (disentangling from she): i'm going to have to get some sildenafil citrate to keep up with you.

she (still smiling): what's that?

he: generic viagra.

she: generic? why generic?

he: for what we're doing, cheap is more appropriate.

she: that was not nice. not nice at all.

he: you can't have tawdry without audrey.

she: yeah, well you can't have odd without todd.

he: my name's not todd.

she: my name's not audrey.


he: i have to go.

she: me, too...

for the record, i was not the "he" in this dream. also, i don't know any "todd and audrey" couples. nor was i aware that i was aware of the generic name for viagra. who notices that kind of thing? and who has dreams like this? bizarre.


since monday, i have experienced several episodes of back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back sneezes. much to my discomfort, and much to the amusement of those around me. to them i say one thing: snot funny. it's fortunate i wasn't operating heavy machinery during any of these sneezures.


in other news...

the president of the california fish and game commission, daniel richards, recently traveled to idaho, where he hunted, killed, and ate a mountain lion. he couldn't do these things in california, because they're illegal there.

apparently dozens of california lawmakers have called for daniel's resignation, saying his actions aren't consistent with his position with the state. he has declined to quit, essentially telling the lawmakers to go fuck themselves. i may be slightly exaggerating that last part.

legally, daniel is correct. he participated in a legal (in idaho) activity, broke no laws in doing so, and seemed to really enjoy it. good for him.

me, i have no quarrel with hunters, mostly because they carry guns, and people with guns are dangerous. what i've never been able to understand, though, is why so many of them get so much joy from killing.

i bet they wouldn't enjoy it so much if the quarry were shooting back. which is kind of what's happening in afghanistan, where u.s. military personnel recently burned several copies of the koran.

this was bad form, and a bad idea, in that it set off riots and killings in that country. recognizing the danger that riots and killings pose to u.s. forces, barack obama apologized to the afghan president, and told him it wouldn't happen again.

unless of course one of the gop candidates wins the presidency in november. then there'll probably be koran burning parties at the white house every week.

rhetorical query: if afghan troops, occupying america for the last ten years, were burning bibles willy nilly, what do you suppose the reaction amongst christians would be? someone should ask the gop candidates that question, i think.


disconcerting moment of the day: a tweet from someone named megan calhoun (@social moms) showed up on my twitter feed today. the tweet said, "I'm happiest when ________ (fill in the blank)."

the disconcerting part: i couldn't fill in the blank.


grotesquely overrated: filling in blanks.

quietly underappreciated: weeding out the daily surfeit of choices.


note to the lovely mrs. spaceneedl: i don't know if you bought it, or i bought it, or if it was a cruel gift with purchase...but we have to promise~~promise!~~each other never to buy this institutional-grade toilet paper again.


seen today on facebook: "Collective sob ladies...Davey Jones has passed away. How come I always got stuck with peter?"

i have no further comment on this post.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

ajax, epilogue

no more walks in the wood
we and the trees and the way
back from the fields of play
lasted as long as we could
no more walks in the wood

~~j. hollander

bubba left us last night.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

santorum time

i got an email from rick (google problem) santorum!

i mean, i think it was meant for me. it began, "dear patriot," which is different and much better than "dear conservative."

something tells me, though, that this particular email is gonna be as disappointing as the recent note i got from newt gingrich. yeah, that didn't end well...

but, let's not prejudge...let's find out!

"We did it again! We shocked the moderate establishment and pulled off what the media elites said was impossible by winning three HUGE contests that we were told we couldn't win.

I'm exhausted, but I'm so elated. Before I try and get some sleep, I had to sit down and write you this letter."

if by huge he means, "nonbinding contests in which no delegates were secured," then yes, these were huge. and does rick really sit down and write his own campaign emails before going to bed? i wonder how his wife feels about that.

"All the momentum is on our side now. A Rasmussen survey over the weekend revealed that there is only one Republican Presidential candidate who would beat Obama if the election were today – and no, it wasn't the mushy moderate that wants you to believe that this race is over. No, instead it's me, Rick Santorum, and our campaign – with its bold, conservative ideas and platform."

actually, polls show obama well ahead against any of the current republican candidates, including santorum. meanwhile, the economy is rebounding and the gop is shooting itself in the foot on issues like contraception, if you can conceive of such a thing. so the prospect of the president being rickrolled is as likely as a good-looking sweater vest.

"I can beat Mitt Romney and then President Obama with the kind of conservative ideas that you support. But to do that I need your immediate support. Will you give $25 or $50 immediately to make this happen?"

santorum can't beat obama, but it's quite possible he might win the gop nomination. he has that special kind of crazy that republican primary and caucus voters love. it's almost tempting to send him a quick $25, just to feel like you've helped pay the crazy forward.


Sunday, February 05, 2012

"hello, this is lawrence, there anybody there? anybody at all..."

am i the only one?

not watching the super bowl, i mean.

it kinda feels that way.

earlier this afternoon, prior to gametime, the stores and roads were packed. the line at the carwash wrapped around a couple times. at one grocery store there were no parking spots. none.

now? ghost town. just a handful of cars on the road. front row parking at the grocery store. no one at the carwash.

it's a little creepy. post-apocalyptic. i expect to see zombies any moment.

and then i think: wtf? seriously? so many people are so slavishly addicted to this game that civilization shuts down ten minutes before kickoff? sure, the infrastructure is still in place, but the people have abandoned it.

full disclosure: i used to be a super bowl zombie. the idea of missing a play or one of the fabulous tv spots was heretical. but as the years and the games and the roman numerals clicked by, i drifted away. and i remember the day the epiphany happened.

it was during some undifferentiated mid-preseason, and i was watching the chicago bears play some team or other. suddenly it occurred to me that this game was exactly like the games i watched the season before, and the season before that. there were some running plays, followed by some pass plays, followed by a punt. or a field goal. or a hyperbolic touchdown celebration.

aside from the names on the back of the uniforms, nothing ever changed. not the pregame shows, not the postgame interviews, certainly not the games themselves. check that, one thing changed: the hype. the hype has gone up orders of magnitude since then. the importance of each and every contest is on an arc to which nothng else compares. every game is a must-win, every play is a game-changer, every shot of the head coach on the sidelines is apoplectic.

the drama is unbearable, the tension must be carved with rhetorical chainsaws. the outcomes are so serious that nothing outside the lines matters.

that's what the machine would have us believe. trouble is, i'm no longer a believer.

this puts me (and my wife and our children) in what feels like a suspicious minority. i'm starting to worry we'll be visited, one sunny super bowl sunday, by the nfl inquisition, demanding to know why we're not participating in the national day of worship.

i'm not saying i had a big fun day, sans super bowl. but i did.

it started with a walk to the village for breakfast with the missus and the dogs. followed by the aforementioned trips to the grocery stores. the car got washed, as did four loads of laundry. folded. i ran 4.9 miles (41 minutes), cooked dinner, drank some good wine, and typed up this little whatever-it-is. oh, and i cut up a fresh pineapple. i like fresh pineapple.

it just occurred to me, i do not have the express-written consent of the nfl to use the name of its signature game in this post. henceforth, i should refer to it as "the big game," as so many nonpaying nonsponsors are required to do.

yeah, fuck them. super bowl. super bowl! super bowl!!

that should've felt good. but it didn't. it just felt kind of blase. which is exactly how i feel about their big game. i mean, really, the last time anything remotely interesting happened was the janet jackson-justin timberlake wardrobe malfunction. the fact that a painfully insignificant slip of a nip could be such a HUGE scandal speaks volumes about america's IQ. meanwhile, george bush was busy tossing the country about like a gorilla with an american tourister suitcase, raising nary an eyebrow amongst an anesthetized populace.

but the momentary appearance of a nipple during the sacred game!? OMG!

i digress.

frankly, i wish the nfl season would never end, and every sunday were super bowl sunday. my weekend errands would go a lot quicker, and i could feel increasingly superior to everyone not taking advantage of all the time not spent ingesting the hype.

but eventually people would catch on, and the stores would fill up, and the carwash would be full of cars. and i would sit there in line and wish for the good old days when everyone was addicted to the nfl.

almost everyone.