santorum time

i got an email from rick (google problem) santorum!

i mean, i think it was meant for me. it began, "dear patriot," which is different and much better than "dear conservative."

something tells me, though, that this particular email is gonna be as disappointing as the recent note i got from newt gingrich. yeah, that didn't end well...

but, let's not prejudge...let's find out!

"We did it again! We shocked the moderate establishment and pulled off what the media elites said was impossible by winning three HUGE contests that we were told we couldn't win.

I'm exhausted, but I'm so elated. Before I try and get some sleep, I had to sit down and write you this letter."

if by huge he means, "nonbinding contests in which no delegates were secured," then yes, these were huge. and does rick really sit down and write his own campaign emails before going to bed? i wonder how his wife feels about that.

"All the momentum is on our side now. A Rasmussen survey over the weekend revealed that there is only one Republican Presidential candidate who would beat Obama if the election were today – and no, it wasn't the mushy moderate that wants you to believe that this race is over. No, instead it's me, Rick Santorum, and our campaign – with its bold, conservative ideas and platform."

actually, polls show obama well ahead against any of the current republican candidates, including santorum. meanwhile, the economy is rebounding and the gop is shooting itself in the foot on issues like contraception, if you can conceive of such a thing. so the prospect of the president being rickrolled is as likely as a good-looking sweater vest.

"I can beat Mitt Romney and then President Obama with the kind of conservative ideas that you support. But to do that I need your immediate support. Will you give $25 or $50 immediately to make this happen?"

santorum can't beat obama, but it's quite possible he might win the gop nomination. he has that special kind of crazy that republican primary and caucus voters love. it's almost tempting to send him a quick $25, just to feel like you've helped pay the crazy forward.

almost.

loose canons

jesus is disappointed.

he can't figure out how he came to be associated with "conservative christians."

like the people responsible for the latest gop debate (if by "debate" you mean human-looking creatures throwing feces at one another, each toss applauded by the fox news crowd).

the audience (and by "audience" we mean bloodlusting zombies ravening for human flesh) at one point cheered like coliseum romans over texas governor rick perry's affinity for executions.

perry, a self-acclaimed christian, characterized the 234 executions during his governorship as "justice."

jesus, however, would like gop christians to know that he is not down with the executions.

nowhere in the bible does it say, "...and the lord jesus saw the multitudes on death row and proclaimed, 'father, these sinners have trespassed against us. you have said we are to forgive them, but we've decided instead to flay the flesh from their bones, nail them to a cross, and call it ultimate justice. hope you're okay with that.'"

perry the pious and his merry minions must be reading from a different bible.

"I think Americans are clearly in the vast majority of cases, supportive of capital punishment, "Perry said. "When you have committed heinous crimes against our citizens, and it’s a state-by-state issue, but in the state of Texas, our citizens have made that decision, and they made it clear, and they don’t want you to commit those crimes against our citizens, and if you do, you will face the ultimate justice.”

it's justice, perry insists, even when those who haven't committed heinous crimes are among the dispatched. he tried to hide one such case by disbanding the investigation and burying the findings. just as jesus no doubt would've done.

if we're being honest here, and we are, let's just call capital punishment what it is: revenge killing. a primal reaction hard-wired into human DNA to perpetuate the survival of the individual and the tribe.

and since we are being honest, let's acknowledge that this instinct isn't reconcilable with the finer sensibilities of jesus's philosophies.

the point here, to state the obvious, is that there's no having it both ways. you can howl with delight over 234 executions in texas, but you can't simultaneously call yourself a christian.

you can't love your crucifixions and love you some jesus, too.

that said, let's try to give these folks the benefit of the doubt: maybe they rationalize this revenge business another way, say, as a matter of fiscal policy. that's not really a moral foundation for state-sponsored killing, but perhaps it's enough for some.

and...durn it all. it actually costs more to kill someone than to put them away for life.

moving on, maybe some believe the prospect of ultimate justice prevents the kind of crime perry was referring to. and...wouldn't you know it? turns out capital punishment doesn't deter crime, either.

interesting note: the same people who think government is completely incompetent still trust said government with the power to execute people.

another interesting note: the death penalty is disproportionately applied to non-white people. that's probably just coincidence.

so, upon further review, it appears that today's "conservative christians" cheer for execution by the hundreds simply because...they like executions.

and we've come full circle, to a place where jesus, a well-known social and fiscal liberal, finds his face on banners waved by people who thoroughly despise those ideals.

and lo, as a matter of intellectual and spiritual integrity...jesus is not amused.

crazy is as crazy does...

could it be?

is it possible?

could michelle bachmann (R-unreality) be the next GOP nominee for president of the united states?

yes! she could! she really could!

she loves america so much, she'd like to see the country default on its debts, leading to global economic turmoil. iowa GOP straw poll voters loved her so much, they made her the straw poll queen in their recent straw poll vote.

but wait! could the nominee eventually be...rick perry? perry (R-schizophrenia) loves america so much, he'd like to secede from it! plus, rick is very pious. he uses his position as governor of texas as a prayer pulpit, leading the faithful in prayers for rain, and for the economy. he also prays for an end to healthcare reform and the environmental protection agency.

he could be the GOP nominee! he really could!

based on the recent debate in iowa, any number of really, um, interesting people could be the GOP nominee. it could be rick santorum (R-manondog), the former senator with a google problem and a host of other quirky-adorable views that endear him to the hard right.

it could be newt gingrich (R-annulment) and his marriages and affairs and messy divorce from a cancer-stricken wife. yes, it could!

could it be herman cain (R-incoherence), the fast-food financier? no, it could not. herman cain is an african-american. no matter how much money he's made, or how many fast-food pseudo-meals he's foisted on our unhealthy electorate, GOP primary voters will not make a black man the GOP nominee. no, they will not!

nor will it be tim pawlenty (R-narcolepsy). in a world where crazy is the coin of the realm, tim is entirely too placid. besides which, after a somnolent showing in iowa, the former governor quit the race. rarely do voters embrace a former governor who quits. unless her name is sarah palin. and tim, for all his quitting qualifications, is no sarah palin.

who are we forgetting? oh! mitt romney (R-youkidding)! well, to be fair, everyone forgets mitt romney. even mitt romney forgets mitt romney. there have been so many mitts over the past few years, it's hard to keep track of them all. GOP primary voters recently songified mitt's many morphs to the tune "which mitt are you?"

are you massachusetts mitt, creator of the state's beloved romneycare healthcare program? are you revenue romney, who badgered standard & poors to boost his state’s credit rating after raising taxes during an economic decline?

or are you anti-mitt, who disavows any knowledge of any other mitts, if in fact it can be proved they ever existed? that'd be the mitt who insists corporations are people too.

could this mitt or that mitt (or anyone named "mitt") be the next GOP nominee? or is the very idea too crazy? tsk, this is the GOP! nothing's too crazy!

but wait, isn't mitt a mormon? yes, yes he is.

okay, then no. GOP primary voters will not make a mormon the GOP nominee. but what if they did? rhetorical/tactical question: would mormon mitt consider making african-american herman cain his running mate? it would be an interesting approach to taking on barack obama, wouldn't it?

and it raises a corollary rhetorical/book of mormon question: if an irony tree falls in the woods, do the elders hear it?

we digress.

straw poll queen bachmann says wives should be submissive to their husbands. for example, she submissively became a tax attorney at her husband's insistence, and against her wishes.

questions about biblical patriarchy theology make her squirm, and not in a good way. which in turn raises interesting questions about roles if, say, she were president and rick perry were vice president.

bachmann: mr. vice president, i need you to go to new york for the ceremonial dissolution of the united nations.

perry: madame president, given the severe distress of our economy and the unprecedented heat wave broiling the midwest, i think it's important that i go to the heartland and lead a prayer festival and re-election fundraiser.

bachmann: but...

perry: madame president, remember, "submit yourself to your husband as you would to the lord..."

bachmann: but, you're not my husband.

perry: marcus and i were wrestling, um, with this subject just a few minutes ago, and he told me to tell you that you should go to new york. he and i will go to the heartland for the prayer thing.

bachmann: well...okay. i guess that'll work too.

so many candidates for hyperzealous right-wingers to love. how will they ever choose? what litmus test will suffice? previously it would've been the willingness to borrow trillions for war and torture and tax cuts. in jesus' name, of course.

now? if iowans are a barometer, it's a willingness to suspend disbelief and sidle up to the crazy like it's closing time at the 24-hour church salad bar.

which is to say...lettuce spray.

all are welcome

"we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light." -- plato

something very, very good happened in america this week.

it feels like the first time in a long time something this good happened. but then you remember, it was less than 18 months ago that barack obama was elected president.

healthcare reform is a goal that generations of americans worked for, but never achieved -- until this week. the bill that passed was not what progressives were hoping for when obama and a democratic congress were elected in 2008. it's not single-payer, and there's no public option. but that's like saying there's no genie granting wishes inside your tiffany lamp.

providing care for 30 million uninsured people, outlawing discrimination for pre-existing conditions, and reducing the deficit is a "win" for everybody -- even the people who would rather get sick, go bankrupt and die early.

speaking of right-wingnuts, why do they take such great joy in trying to ruin a great thing for everybody? currently i'm patiently tolerant of their infantile temper tantrums and their lashing out at those who helped.

but patience, like the healthcare bill, has its limits.

at some point, say when a wingnut follows through on the threats of violence against those who worked for this day, we may have to kick them off the island.

at some point we may have to say, fine, have it your way. no healthcare for you. similarly, if your house is ablaze due to your substandard wiring -- no fire department will respond. if a home-grown terrorist threatens to blow up your local federal building -- no police protection will be available.

while we're at it, no social security when you're ready to retire. and no national security provided by our armed forces. no taxpayer funded services for you at all.

that's what you want, isn't it? no taxes at all? fine, you got it. oh, and keep your cars off our roads. get your feet off our sidewalks.

and if we see one more of you spitting on a congressperson, or calling them faggot or nigger? an all-expense-paid waterboarding, just because you like that kind of thing so much.

fair enough? excellent. glad we could have this little chat.

by the way, we'll still happily provide public education for your children -- we're hoping they don't turn out like you.

on the other hand, if you can calm down, take a deep breath, and act like civilized adults, maybe we can arrive at some sort of accord. maybe we can allow you to live among us.

we're all americans, after all. no matter how hard you try to prove otherwise.

come into the light.

all are welcome.