Sunday, March 22, 2009

wait for it...

i won't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate
i'm yours...

-- jason mraz

the calendar says it's spring, but around here it's an ersatz, hallmark kind of spring.

a contrivance not really indicative of anything real or meaningful.

spring, so far, looks a lot like winter. which looked a lot like fall. we skipped last summer altogether, which raises the question: what happened to seasons around here?

this grievance is weather-related only in part: sure, we would like to throw on a t-shirt and shorts and go outside without turning blue. but moreover, we'd like to have the time to enjoy the three warm, sunny days we're alloted each year, rather than watching them, wistfully, through an office window.

[note to the irony gods: we're not, repeat NOT complaining about having jobs that require us to spend time indoors, at a desk, in front of a computer. nothing to see here. move along.]

why is there never any time? good lord, how we rush around. one thing to the next to the next, nearly all of them 'mandatories' for keeping our lives moving forward. groceries, laundry, cleaning. drop off at school, pick up from school, dinner, bedtime. repeat.

sometimes life gets in the way of actually living, if you follow the train of thought. such as it is.

here's the thing: mrs. spaceneedl isn't feeling well. she's intermittently experiencing a litany of seemingly unrelated symptoms, concerning enough that she consulted a doctor last week. after a managed-care exam and some consideration, the doctor hypothesized a variety of ailments, none of which suited us.

the missus is too healthy to be unwell. she has no lifestyle-related risk factors that would make it likely or fair that she have asthma and chest pains and weight loss and difficulty sleeping and night sweats. with some indignation, she told the doctor as much.

the doctor, in reply, patiently recapped the symptoms, to which the missus said, "well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so good, does it?" she's funny that way, the missus.

last night at dinner, we talked about things that we can control, and things that we can't. we agreed, not for the first time, that in this life we have control over precisely nothing. and that anything can happen to anyone at any time.

over the course of two hours we vented and fretted and vetted our current list of irrational anxieties. we acknowleged that years of planning and toil might not result in the long-envisioned house with a water view. and that if things go sideways, we might not even keep the house we have. and that if things go really sideways, one or both of us might not be around to see how such things turn out.

the airing of mortal dread was sobering, despite the pinot noir. mrs. spaceneedl reiterated her pique that she could do so much to stay healthy and still not feel healthy, while others do so little and still live beyond all expectations. then we sat quietly for awhile.

hereabouts, spring is a riot of ambiguity. its arrival in a way that would be most useful -- warm weather -- trails the actual equinox by weeks. if it ever shows up at all. meanwhile trees blossom, leaves unfurl, and flowers flower. the expected and traditional harbingers of rebirth.

we're waiting for it all, as usual.

this year more impatiently than ever.

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