Finding Why

And it goes on and on

Watching the river run
Further and further

From things that we've done

Leaving them one by one
And we have just begun

Watching the river run
Listening and learning and yearning

To run river run

—J. Messina/K. Loggins

***

I'm running again.

For the past, what, 12 weeks now? Long enough for me to believe this fickle switch might stay flipped for a while.

My expanding loops around our rural neighborhood have been a revelation. There are people here—not just shaka-waving forms inside of vehicles.

There are animals—with fascinating behaviors and sounds and personalities.

There are hills. OMG, the hills. So much up and down, so little flat. So very much like life.

{shakes head, eyes wide—so this is what living here is like? i've been missing out on...everything.}

***

Ancient wisdom, silently passed down through our collective DNA: 

"To succeed in a difficult journey, you must first understand why you embark."

Semi-related illustration: "Ultra running will test your mental and physical strength. Training, planning, and eating right will all help contribute to your success. But finding the reason behind why you want to run is crucial to it."

Well, shoot—that's discouraging. Because as long as I've been engaging in this weird hobby, I've never had a "why."

In fact, I've kinda been jealous of people who do.

Statistically, though, it seems impossible I'm the only one lacking this "crucial" element. Shirley there are at least a couple more humans who wander around life's trails not understanding what drives them into the literal and metaphorical wilderness.  

If asked, I wonder what they would say (besides "Fuck if I know").

I'm not sure if theologian Paul Tillich ever ran further than 26.2, but regardless, I think he may have been on to something here:

“If you have trouble with the word “god,” take whatever is central and most meaningful to your life and call that god.”

See, that's something I can understand. During my running hiatus it became painfully clear how central and meaningful it is to my life. Not-running was akin to wandering through the desert, which the literature (and common sense) tells us is not the best place to wander for months at a time.

There is a kind of grace in this epiphany, and in the coming back to it. It's not hyperbole to say that many of the best things in my life are directly related to this activity and its rituals. There's no sacrilege in knowing my mind is at its best, my soul most at peace, when I'm out on a trail winding through the trees.

***

Denouement: I'm thinking about pinning on a bib again—for the first time since January 2020.

{shakes head, eyes wide—three years ago. i've been missing out on...everything.}

I think I've found my why.

***

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it
Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill
But since we're on our way down

We might as well enjoy the ride

The secret of love is in opening up your heart
It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way
Cause everyone knows that love is the only road
And since we're only here for a while

Might as well show some style

Give us a smile

Isn't it a lovely ride?

—J. Taylor