monologous dialogue

where do all the secrets live?
they travel in the air
you can smell them when they burn
they travel
those who say the past is not dead
can stop and smell the smoke
you keep saying the past is not dead
well, stop and smell the smoke
you keep on saying the past is not even past
and you keep saying
we are smoke
smoke
smoke

~ben folds

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the human brain is not a precision instrument.

it's a fabulous, intricate, brilliant piece of biological engineering...but it's simultaneously spectacularly flawed.

that's how i explain, to myself, the recent visit from my self. which is to say, my 25-year-old self.

it was jarring. one moment i was jogging through our neighborhood, the next i was accosted by a callow, cocky, cavalier criticizer.

i think he was as shocked as i was. and not in a good way. near as i can recall (if you care to believe anything as unreliable as "memory"), it went something like this...

25: holy shit. what have you done to us?

50: (hesitating) what?

25: this...hurts. our neck, our lower back, our knee. this is why we hate running. have you lost our mind?

50: who are you? what's happening? am i dying?

25: i don't know what's happening, but you're not dying. you're killing me, but you're not dying. yet. you're just old.

50: i know you. i had forgotten...but i know you.

25: well, i'm happy to hear that. congratulations on not being totally senile. but you are kind of broken down.

50: no, i'm not. this is just what 50 feels like. it's not so bad...

25: the neck, the back, the knee...

50: oh. yeah. i know it's hard to believe, but the running actually helps.

25: were we in a car wreck or something? this feels fucking awful.

50: you swear a lot, don't you...no we weren't in a car wreck. we did have a couple surgeries, though. the neck? started as a basketball injury. the torn acl...basketball. the back...

25: i don't like where this is heading...

50: basketball.

25: we've always said, "there's nothing like being in basketball shape."

50: which is true, except for when it's not. we didn't notice it while it was happening, but it turns out we put in a lot of hard miles over the last 25 years. apparently it was a little debilitating.

25: the point of the exercise is to avoid feeling like this. you must've done something wrong.

50: everything i did, we agreed to long ago. all i did was hold up my end of the bargain. no point in complaining about it now.

25: yeah, but...we feel awful. you've forgotten what young and healthy feels like.

50: no, i...i still feel young. sort of.

25: no, you don't. trust me. it feels way different than this. for one thing, when we were young, our joints didn't also function as barometers. "hmm, tonight's gonna be cold, rainy, and windy." and that's without watching the weather report.

50: we live in seattle. anyone could've predicted that.

25: maybe. but i felt it.

50: (silence)

25: this is not what i expecting. you've made a huge mess of us.

50: not entirely true. there are lots of people our age who are a lot worse off than we are. check it out...we're running a 1/2 marathon in june.

25: my god, you have lost our mind. (hesitates) sigh...what else are you keeping from me?

50: well, there's the colonoscopy the end of this week.

25: i hate you.

50: i'm not wild about it, either. but i'm thinking of it as preventive maintenance for the next ten years.

25: i prefer not to think of it at all, thanks. i'm out of here. but i want you to know, this isn't over.

50: that's a line from a movie, isn't it? but you're right...there's lots more you should probably know about.

25: i can't wait to see what happens next. wait. i take that back.

50: (whispers) too late...

25: (silence)

sfx: (wind through trees, footfalls on pavement)