Tuesday, August 20, 2013

epiphany in an in-box

when news breaks,
the ASPS fixes it.
now THIS is junk mail.

today i got an email from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. in it was this stunning headline:

UK homeland security unearths breast-implant bomb threat

i kid you not.

note: the ASPS is the professional society of practitioners of the, uh, plastic arts in the US. they put on the group's annual conference, which i have attended. seriously! i saw some work there that...wait. i digress.

the link led to this lede:

"Al-Qaida’s chief bomb-maker is rumored to have developed explosives that can be concealed in implants or body cavities, and are undetectable by airport scanners.

"Staff at London's Heathrow Airport have reportedly been warned to be on the lookout for explosive breast implants, with one staff member saying "there are genuine fears over this."

"We have been told to pay particular attention to females who may have concealed hidden explosives in their breasts," the airport worker said.

in other words, we have met the enemy, and they are boobs.

no wonder there's been such an uproar recently over breast feeding in public (really, google "public breastfeeding uproar." it's a become a thing). turns out the self-appointed mammary police aren't being overly sensitive ~ they're worried about the safety of the children. that's nice of them, don't you think?

"you never know what might be hiding in those bosoms," said no one ever. "we're advocating a concealed-carry law, because the best way to stop a bad girl with breasts is a good girl with breasts."

it's a wonder that this story hasn't blown up worldwide. or at least in the traumatized states of america. it's got everything: explosives! terrorism! boobies! it's the kind of news that fuels the national obsession with titillation ("side boob!" "nip slip!" "wardrobe malfunction!") and keeps the NSA in business ("america wants us to find those boobs!").

how long before the TSA adopts a whole new pat-down protocol for female passengers? and what will that look like ~ i can't imagine, and i have a vivid imagination. 

while we're at it, why doesn't this alert apply to anyone who looks like they've had some work done? face lifts, butt lifts, calf implants. these are not the exclusive domain of women, you know. men get them, too!

which makes me think this whole "story" could be the perfect diversionary tactic: people get all crazy ogling women's chests ("those could be fake, those could be real, those could explode"), while men with false pecs strut right on by.

there was a time when this scenario would have been too absurd to be true. but the idea of "too absurd to be true" pretty much ended with the bush administration, and this is the logical conclusion of the idiocracy those guys set in motion.

casting the human female breast as a weapon of mass destruction?

sigh. the terrorists (and fox news) have won.

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