|representative smoothie. your smoothie may vary. |
see your own damn smoothie for details.
organic açai purée
organic mint leaves
for years my weekday breakfast routine consisted of coffee, fresh fruit, and a protein bar. this combination always got the job done, but recently began to feel, uh, deeply unsatisfying. i needed a change.
this may take some fine-tuning, but if today's smoothie is any indication, i'm well on my way to living forever.
0930 hours: i am famished. why? my smoothie totaled up to almost 20 oz. if i ate/drank all its ingredients individually, i'm pretty sure i'd feel unbearably full. more research required.
1030 hours: am prepared to eat my own arm, or a passing colleague. there must be a combination of ingredients that will compose a healthy and longer-lasting smoothie. this weekend's grocery run may be expensive.
1130 hours: "hangry" is an actual thing. must remember not to conference call when "hangry." even if some colleagues deserve to be beaten with their own dismembered arm(s). after which i will eat said arm(s).
1155 hours: i have a paralyzing headache...it's possible i may have waited too long to eat lunch. also, it's likely too late to steal the lunches in the break room refrigerator, as surely some colleagues will be gathering there. it may be best if i leave the office now.
1230 hours: just spent $31 at one of the local food trucks. the missus will not be pleased.
1240 hours: after eating just one of my lunches i am unbearably full. why?? (and not-for-nothing, what am i going to do with the rest of these lunches??)
1440 hours: still full. so as not to waste them, i will put my additional lunches up for grabs in the lunchroom.
1638 hours: famished. additional lunches are long-gone, swarmed by locusts disguised as colleagues. apparently they thought i was serious when i offered them my extra food. may have to revert to previous plan of eating one of them.
i may have passed out from hunger. because suddenly it's time to head for home and dinner, which i will make myself from all the things in the house. as far as i know, no colleagues were cannibalized.
it took two years to drag our smoothie maker from the depths of the pantry into the light of day. loving wife asked why it took me so long to get around to using it.
i don't know...apparently i just wasn't ready.
i'm ready now.