Dear Abby

I'm seeking advice on how to deal with an armed, potentially drug-addled neighbor.

Background: the neighbor (and his pack of dogs) hunts feral pigs. He uses a rifle for this purpose, and isn't afraid to discharge it at dawn in an area where people, cattle, horses, and other domestic animals are well within range of a rifle.

I know he isn't afraid to do these things, because he did all of them this morning ON OUR PROPERTY.

Additional background: another neighbor, with whom we have a cordial relationship, has shared that hunter-neighbor used to be a capable tradesman, doing drywall, carpentry, and handiwork for a living. That was before the (unspecified) drugs, though, and before the local police allegedly had to come to his home and confiscate his firearms a couple years ago.

Rational, urban me says to contact the police, file whatever kind of complaint one files in situations like these, and let them handle it.

Recently no-longer-urban me believes:

1. The cops aren't likely to prioritize this situation since we live in a rural area where people do this sort of thing all the time and have done so for generations

2. Even if the cops take some kind of action, its effect would likely be temporary since guns are easy to come by and have more rights than people

3. Hunter-neighbor would likely deduce we were the source of any police intervention, since he saw me watching him traipse across our property

Full disclosure:

My knee-jerk reaction this morning was, "We need a gun."

Fuller disclosure:

1. I hate guns

2. In an armed confrontation I would 100% be the guy who hesitates and ends up on the ground bleeding out

3. Even writing "We need a gun" and "armed confrontation" gives me a rhetorical brain bleed

4. We're not getting a gun

Pacifist me thinks I need to have a conversation with hunter-neighbor and in a calm, neighborly way let him know we don't want him hunting on our property.

Rational me thinks a rational person wouldn't be out at dawn on other people's property under any circumstances, let alone firing a rifle. Rational me thinks that kind of behavior is irrational.

Therefore, rational me knows I would be incapable of having a calm, neighborly conversation with anyone who behaves in the erratic, antisocial manner described above.

SO, dear Abby, what do you think of all this? Is there any advice that accounts for all these variables and achieves a positive outcome in today's world? Or do we just have to put up with an irrational gunman occasionally wandering our property, putting us at risk of sudden morbidity and mortality?

Signed—

Often A Dull Roar, Never A Dull Moment

"Hoo would do such a thing?"

FFA — Future Farmers of America

FFS — (something else entirely)
***
Activity-specific training can be very effective.

You want to get in shape for basketball? You play basketball.

You want to run a trail race—you hike and run on trails.

You want to herd cattle on foot? Well...that's just silly. 

Seriously, no one wants to herd cattle on foot.

***

Background: our neighbor to the north has cows. In the literal, rather than the Bart Simpson sense.

The herd has grazed the slopes of Mauna Kea, including our little speck of it, for many years. And until recently, there were few limits to where they could go.

But then we moved in and started messing with them. 

We started by planting trees, each inside its own little protective fence. The cows tolerated those minor inconveniences—leaving the fencing intact (mostly) and the trees standing (mostly). 

This encouraged us! So we built a larger, more substantial enclosure for geese and chickens.

That too was accepted by the herd, which made note of the change and began walking around it (though we know they could walk right through it any time they choose to). So far they've chosen not to!

It was all going so well.

Recently the dogs and I returned from running errands in town. We were heading down the hill toward the house when I saw the cows, at least a dozen of them, inside the fenced acre around our house.

"No. No! NO, HELL NO!"

Note: yelling at cows from inside a truck is ineffective. Additionally, yelling at them from *outside* a truck is pretty much a waste of time as well.

I parked the truck near the house and pointedly did not let the dogs out. The last thing the situation needed was three dogs gleefully chasing cows around until getting gored or kicked or stepped on.

My first, hyperventilated attempt to herd the herd out the gate went poorly. Turns out waving one's arms and saying "Get the fuck out of here!!" is not tactically sound—though it did briefly cause some low-key havoc as cows peeled off this direction and that, ending up all around me instead of in front of me.

It occurred to me then that the neighbors to the south were probably looking down the hill at the situation and laughing hysterically. And who could blame them? Still, the thought made me self-conscious enough to stop flailing around and at least try to be smarter than the cows.

You know what I needed? A shepherd's stick. I mean, obviously.

Unfortunately, we don't own a shepherd's stick—but we did have the trunk of a long-defunct Christmas tree laying around. No, I don't know why.

I picked it up and started wielding it like someone who doesn't know what he's doing, but knows *something* must be done.

I opened the gate and, using the holiday-themed tree trunk, coaxed not one, not two, but three cows out the gate!

"This is gonna be easy!" I thought, 100% incorrectly.

The thing is, in order to coax additional cows out, the gate has to be open. But if the gate is open, the cows on the outside COME RIGHT BACK IN.

So much for plan B.

Fortunately, we have another gate. It's situated downhill from our lone, small outbuilding, and opens out, partway across a little gully. Which means, when it's open, cows wanting to get back into the yard have to go across the gully and up a slight rise. They can still get in but it takes time, during which I'm already encouraging another cow or two to leave.

Also, the presence of the shed effectively creates two downhill chutes to the gate, preventing the cows from peeling off and back into the yard. I now had A System™ in place, and it was just a matter of time before the cows were on the outside looking in.

That's when I glanced over at the other gate, just in time to see Bambi, the bull, force his way in between the gate and the post it was hooked to. Dude just decided he wanted in and viola! He was in...along with a couple of his lady friends.

In that moment, I became grouchy. I was tired of chasing cows around and definitely did not want to re-litigate cases I'd already won.

The cows expressed their appreciation for my concern by walking through flower beds, bulldozing banana trees, and pooping everywhere.

I brought The System™ to a halt, yelled at Bambi, and re-secured the gate top AND bottom. Later, I had to smack him on the butt when he parked himself halfway in/halfway out of the gate—for a second time. He was oblivious. Bambi is an imposing figure in the pasture, but he's not very bright.

TL/DR, eventually all the cows were repatriated to their homeland. The last one to go was Poppy, who is completely endearing and completely blind. Poppy startles easily, and telling her "We're going this way, Poppy!" is futile. Hard to believe, I know.

Nevertheless, she and I eventually found our way to the proper side of the fence, and she later ate sweet cob out of my hand. So I guess there were no hard feelings.

The entire exercise took nearly an hour, and it was exhausting.

So, we've decided to offer the experience as a cross-training workout to future guests!

No charge, bring poop-proof shoes.

***
Epilogue: our *other* neighbor, to the east, also has cows.

Recently several of them broke through *their* fence, causing a red alert from the neighbors to the north, who headed out on ATVs like a swarm of bees. Separating individuals from each herd via ATV was akin to herding cats—but eventually the riders got the job done on foot! 

We'll 100% be referring them to our instructional video, now in pre-production.

Heart to Hartley

"Sir, this is a tiki bar."

Hi, Dr. Hartley.

I'm fine, thanks. 

Well no, it's not entirely true, but it is kind of the socially expected answer, isn't it. Most people who ask aren't really looking for the truth.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Yes, it probably will be helpful if I answer your questions honestly. 

Wait...before we start, I'm curious how you're doing. Yeah, a lot of people need help right now. I don't know how you keep up. Who do psychiatrists talk to when all the psychiatrists are anxious and depressed?

Their bartender. Ha, of course. No, that was good.

Right—well, the past several weeks have been...challenging. And I've put off thinking about it to stay focused on things that needed to get done. Yes, we have talked about that. I know...blocking out something today can manifest itself later, and at really inconvenient times.

"Serenity now, insanity later." That line will always be funny, Dr. Hartley.

But yes, you're right, and I'm, you know, working on it.

Here's the thing, though—if I had taken the time then, the family project I was in the middle of would have failed—and I'd be even loonier than I am now. 

No, of course...we don't say loony. Can we say chronically frantic? Or frenzied? Or frenetic? Yes, I'm aware those all mean the same thing, and they'd all apply.

Dr. Hartley, our schedule literally left no room for error. If even one of the things on our list hadn't gotten done—when it was supposed to and in the order it was supposed to—the whole plan would have hit the floor.

Yes, I have heard that—"a plan built on the best-case scenario is no plan at all." But this time, honestly, it was best-case or nothing.

You know, before I met you, I didn't worry about things that were out of my control. I said, "I'll control the things I can control, and the other things will have to take care of themselves." 

Yes, I know that's denial—but it worked.

Did it really work? I don't know...maybe? Maybe not. But at the time, it sure felt like it did. I definitely had more peace of mind.

Nothing is ever really under our control. Yeah, that's funny-not-funny, isn't it? Yes, I'm familiar with the butterfly effect. It doesn't really make me feel any better. 

Well, because the butterfly effect is just another term for "chaos," and there's too much chaos loose in the world right now. I'm feeling the need to bring some order to our little corner of the pandemonium. Yeah, that's turning out to be harder than it used to be.

"Let's just do today." Yes, I like that idea. Let's do that.

The good news? It's that this part of our project is just about over. Definitely.

And that some people we had no expectations of came through in ways we never imagined. Really amazing ways. 

No, I'm not sure why they stepped up the way they did. I mean, if they had done nothing it would've been perfectly reasonable—and I wouldn't have thought any less of them. But that's not what they did. It was...something.

The bad news?

Well...some people we did have expectations of are just...no longer capable of living up to them. No...no, it's not their fault. It's mostly mine for being oblivious to it for too long.

No, it's okay. It's just that it's shocking how fast things can go upside down. Right? Yeah, it feels like we were incredibly lucky, under the circumstances.

I don't even want to think about it.

Kidding.

Anything else today? Give me a second...yeah. 

I guess it's that we can do hard things. I wish I personally didn't have to learn that over and over, but apparently I do.

"We've done it before, we can do it again." Yeah, you would think. 

I'm always more like, "Past performance is no guarantee of future results." Thanks for laughing at that, doc. 

Right! I don't take things for granted any more. It feels like it just invites attention from the irony gods. Yeah, they have a sick sense of humor.

Already? That went by fast—again. Thanks for listening, as always. Okay. Will do. 

You take care of yourself, too.

***

"Only a crisis makes me feel truly alive. When the crisis is every day, though, I feel numb and fatigued. And that’s what I was watching happen to the people around me."

— Eve Ettinger at bustle.com

Nine Days

The app told me I’d be riding to the airport with Theogene.

I briefly wondered how to pronounce Theogene, and if he went by Theo or Gene or something else entirely.

I looked out the door, half hearing the fraught conversation in the kitchen, half thinking Theogene was running late. He wasn’t, but my bags were there at my feet and I was ready to go.

“I love you,” my mom said, walking toward me, crying.

“I love you, too. I’ll be back soon.”

“When??” she asked, though I’d already told her several times since seven a.m.

“Nine days, mom.”

“When is that?”

“February ninth.”

Theogene pulled up in his little Nissan sedan, and my mom threw her arms around my neck. “I don’t want you to go,” she said, sobbing.

“I’ll be back soon.”

“When??”

My brother picked up my bags and waited by the door, while I eased away.

“Soon, mom. February ninth.”

“When is that?”

“Nine days,” I said quietly.

“I don’t know what to do or where to begin!”

“Mom, you don’t need to do anything, it’s all taken care of.”

“I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t know what to do!”

“It’s okay, mom. See all these boxes? This is what we’ve been doing the past few days. You don’t need to do anything.”

My brother went out, and I caught the screen door just before it closed. Walking down the curving red sidewalk toward the car I glanced at the app again. “Theogene” it reminded me.

The trunk popped open and my brother hoisted my bags inside. He closed the lid and then pushed on it to be sure it was closed—and then I pushed on it to be sure it was closed. Because trunk lids always want you to think they’re closed when in fact they’re secretly still open.

We hugged, tight.

“I love you, man.”

“I love you, too.”

I reached for the door handle, but then my dad was there, looking for another hug.

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Then, the door handle, and the back seat, and the inside door handle, and quiet.

I fastened the seatbelt and caught Theogene’s eye in the rearview mirror.

“Good morning, Theogene,” I said, hoping I got it right.

“Good morning, Michael,” he said, with an accent that suggested he had been born somewhere far from where we were.

Without further ceremony, we rolled away from the house my parents bought fifty years ago and will be selling soon.

It wasn’t until just now, hours later and over an ocean, that it hit me—I didn’t look back. Or wave. Or…

I’ll be back soon, mom. Nine days. 

See? It’s written down right here.

This May Take A Minute

Example of the local pre-dawn light

And you may find yourself
Living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself
In another part of the world

And you may ask yourself
Well, how did I get here?

And you may ask yourself

"My god—what have I done?"

Same as it ever was

Same as it ever was

Once in a Lifetime—David Byrne/Brian Eno

***

Sitting here in the quiet and the pre-dawn light, I have no idea how we got here.

And the more I try to pry open that oyster, the more it resists scrutiny.

I stare at the array of photos and the list of steps we took lurching toward this goal—but collectively they don't seem to add up to "moving halfway across an ocean."

And they don't reflect the overlapping roiling that took place (gestures at the entire world) while we anxiously plowed ahead.

***

In January we moved our daughter into her own apartment at the University of Washington. Classes there were still entirely remote (hi, pandemic), but there comes a time when a girl just needs her space.

The next day we moved our other child to Hawaii for many of the same reasons—and really, there are few better places to ride out our current viral storm because this state has done things right from the get-go.

A couple days later, the outgoing president of the United States incited a mob to subvert the transfer of power to the president-elect. The attempt failed, but if you keep up with current events you know the people behind it haven't given up. The Former Guy may still get the Ceaușescu moment he's thirsting for.

***

Throughout the winter we figured we were a year (maybe two) from picking up and moving. But as the PNW dark grudgingly turned to light, there was a seasonally affected shift in our thinking.

The pandemic had a lot to do with it ("anything can happen to anyone at any time—what are we waiting for?"), as did an underlying sense that after 17 years in Seattle it was time for a change.

The decision happened in increments, with stretches of ambiguity in between:

(March, contemplatively)

"We could live part of the year here and part of the year there."

(April, more than once)

"We could rent out this house as long as home prices keep going up."

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

(May, shouting over a frenzied seller's market)

"We should sell this house ASAP!"

(ASAP turned out to be September, and the house sold in three and a half days)

***

Like an invisible predator, covid-19 quietly and constantly sat with us during every conversation about our future.

At the beginning of January, 2021, covid had killed more than 375,000 Americans. At the end of the last day of 2021 it will have taken another 445,000 of our neighbors, colleagues, and loved ones. More than 820,000 people gone, with no end in sight.

The point being, while covid didn't always get an overt mention in our discussions, its implicit presence impacted every one of them.

***

Let's talk about something else like, IDK, the weather. 

The dry (west) side of the Big Island is *very* dry, averaging as little as 10 inches of rainfall a year. Meanwhile, the wet (east) side of Maui is *very* wet, averaging up to 115 inches of annual precip.

The distance between the two coasts is equivalent to a Jesus marathon (26 miles across the water).

Microclimates, man.

***

Yes, it's a metaphor.

Significant changes will continue to roll over and through our family in the near future.

Here at Singing Whale Farm we'll be tearing our kitchen down to the studs and building it back up again.

Almost simultaneously a solar energy system will be installed on our roof, freeing us from the hobgoblin of Big Oil.

Most importantly—the house my parents bought 50 years ago will be going on the market soon. They'll be moving to an assisted living mise en scène a long way from Colorado (but very near my brother and his family).

These are the things we know about at the moment. As always, there will be far more things we don't know about that we'll deal with as they arrive on our shore.

Today's example: at 6:30 a.m. we received a text from our friendly PO Box people. They wanted to let us know that they're closing their doors and that their last day of business will be...

...tomorrow.

Don't send us any mail for a while, I guess.

***

In closing...

BUCKLE UP, 2022, WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE.

***

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

―Pema Chödrön

(h/t Erin Earle, LMHC)

News From The Farm

This X every room in the house

It's the sweetest thing I know of

Just spending time with you

It's the little things that make a house a home
Like a fire softly burning and supper on the stove
The light in your eyes that makes me warm

Hey, it's good to be back home again
Sometimes this old farm feels like a long lost friend
Yes, and hey, it's good to be back home again

—Back Home Again, John Denver

***

The news isn't all bad.

I mean, sure, we're completely inundated with things we have no room for, but that's just logistics.

What's required is that we start making hard choices about what we need here vs. what we want. And if the gap between those thing is currently vast, well whose fault is that, anyway?

There's a Habitat For Humanity nearby, and a Salvation Army Outlet store. Farther away, in Kona, is the Re-Use Hawai'i architectural salvage store. Our loss will be their gain.

The paring process began yesterday, with a much-needed trip to the transfer station. We loaded up the truck* with as much non-salvageable stuff as possible and dumped it into an enormous bin. My soul felt slightly lighter, but to be clear there are many such trips in our future. It's either that or we bring in a 20-foot container, park it next to the house, and fill it up with things that won't fit in the house. I'm not saying that's the aesthetic we're going for here, but it is an available option.

***

Juxtaposed with our visit to the transfer station was our trip to the Hāmākua Harvest Farmers Market. We love a weekend farmers market (or two) and this one features fresh produce, arts and crafts, food trucks, fresh-made ice cream, live music, and a commercial nursery—all with an amazing ocean view.

We're hoping/planning for a Singing Whale Farm booth at this market one day. What we'll be selling is very TBD, but it'll start with the things we have experience with—eggs and honey. 

I joke about selling recreational weed as well, but since that's not currently legal in Hawai'i (and we have zero experience growing weed), that'll remain a joke for the foreseeable future.

***

Not a joke: this very busy weekend ended with me sleeping in the car with our resident polar bear.

After a long day running around barking at cows and turkeys and the neighbor's tractor, our 10.5 year-old Great Pyrenees jumped into the back of the car for a well-deserved bark-break. As the evening wore on, though, her nap turned into a full-on lethargy that we couldn't diagnose. 

Rather than drag her out of the car, I climbed in with a pillow and a sleeping pad. I'm no veterinarian, but I felt like the least I could do was monitor her for obvious distress during the night—or be there with her if she decided to leave us.

I fell asleep to the sound of her breathing—and woke up many times in the darkness listening for that sound. Eventually, gradually, finally dawn arrived, and she was still with us. She still seemed a bit groggy (or maybe that was me), but the lethargy was gone, and she ate a good breakfast. Afterward, in the morning light, I noticed a large welt on her nose. It looked like a reaction to a bee- or yellow jacket sting—which may explain her other symptoms.

Consulting this morning with the vet about anaphylaxis in dogs and a supply of canine epi-pens. Just in case.

***

In closing, the news from the farm can be summed up as somewhat vexing, occasionally worrisome, with a side of uncertainty—but not really bad. 

Sitting here this morning, we'll take that and be grateful.

***

(*Rhoda—for future reference, the truck's name is Rhoda, after Valerie Harper's character in The Mary Tyler Moore Show. "Tough, with a good heart.")

Shaken, Soaked, Left Out In The Sun

Physically undamaged, mentally unmoored

Nobody told me there'd be days like these. Strange days, indeed. Most peculiar, mama.

—John Lennon
***

The thing about earthquakes is, they're loud.

If it goes on long enough, the sound blots out everything, even the shaking. And you just hold on, wishing for it to stop.

Or, maybe that's just me.

Last Monday there was just such a quake here on the Big Island, and as tropical island experiences go, I give it a 2/10—too loud, too scary, do not recommend.

Having ridden out a 7.1 earthquake in San Francisco in 1989, I *may* have convinced myself at some point that anything less would be completely manageable. And yes, I *do* get tired of being wrong all the time, thanks for asking.

Anyhoo, that was Monday morning.

(Def not on Twitter at 3:30 a.m.,
but appreciate the thought.)

By Tuesday evening we had regained our equilibrium, just in time for things to get damp.

To be clear, only the outside things got damp—but they got really, really damp. I'm not sure exactly how much rain we got here at Singing Whale Farm, but reports along the Hāmākua Coast said from 3-6 inches. I have no trouble believing that. The water bucket out front was overflowing by Wednesday morning, and the catchment barrels were much heavier than the day before. I know this because I moved one of them, and—damn. Water isn't just wet, it's heavy.

Related: The thing about relentless rain on a metal roof is, it's loud. 

"Nice place you got here."

If it goes on long enough, the noise wakes you up countless times throughout the night, and you just lay there hoping the water doesn't invite itself in to have a look around. 

Pretty sure that's not just me.

***

Since our arrival on Hawaii Island:

• Kīlauea has sprung to life like a magma jack-in-the-box
• The earth has quaked multiple times (including m3.8 just this morning)
• The rain has been an exuberant, repeat visitor

A pessimist might think their new home was trying to kill them—but not us!

We prefer to think of it as a huge, wet puppy, giddy with excitement to see us! Sure, it'll probably knock us down and get muddy pawprints everywhere and pee all over the place...but c'mon—it's a puppy!

(Are we really *this* weird? Maybe {nods slowly} may be.)

I'm in a rainbow state of mind

As a counterpoint to a week of ruckus, I'd be remiss not to mention the regular appearance of jaw-dropping rainbows practically in our back yard. They pop up like peaceful fireworks—all the color but none of the commotion—and each one has caused us to stop and stare in wonder.

They're a reminder that beauty and bedlam don't exist side by side—rather, they overlap with casual precision.

Recent events helpfully reaffirmed what we already knew—that there are downsides even in paradise and...there's no such thing as paradise.

There's only the place we are—and what we make of it while we're there.

Off The Menu

King grass, aka "a royal pain"

halibut with sour cream dill sauce and roasted rustica veggies
*
weathervane scallops piccata with organic home grown broccolini
*
cheese tortellini with home made organic pesto, vegan sausage, arugula salad
***

I stumbled across this partial-week menu recently and just started laughing.

This is decidedly not what we're dining on here at Singing Whale Farm.

Near-instant access to fresh seafood (and an array of other fresh ingredients) is easy when you're living in Seattle. Here? Not quite so easy.

Not complaining, mind you. Just observing the differences that always come with living someplace new. Apparently it's the things we took for granted that surprise us most when they're no longer there.

We will adapt.

***

In the meantime, we're still very much in pre-farm mode. We've planted some things (pineapples and palm trees and finger limes, oh my!) and done some much needed hacking of king grass (which can grow up to 15 feet high if you let it). 

But the fact is we're not even moved in yet. Half our stuff is still in Seattle and there's another shipping container in our future. Where all *that* stuff is gonna go is anybody's guess. 

The dogs are getting used to the idea that this is where they live now, so that's a win. The cats are another story. 

See, the Seattle cats and the Hawaii cats aren't getting along—at all. Please envision four cats loudly hissing and growling and shrieking and swatting and shredding a perfectly good sliding-screen door—that's how things are going with them.

The good news: we live in Hawaii!! 

The additional good news: we now own a 42" riding lawnmower! And a power washer! And a couple of portable bluetooth speakers!

We can now mow the king grass and power wash the cats and listen to music whilst whistling a happy tune!

Yay, Home Depot delivery!

Also, yes I really am celebrating a lawnmower and a power washer! And using lots of exclamation points! Who even am I any more??

***

Back to the menu.

There may not be any halibut, but there's plenty of ahi and mahi mahi and opah and ono at the markets in Hilo and Kona. They're all delicious and (near as we can determine) sustainably and locally fished.

I've found no scallops, but even if I had, I wouldn't buy them. They'd be frozen and shipped in from thousands of miles away, and there's no way to prepare food with that kind of carbon footprint that doesn't end up tasting like petrochemicals.

Tortellini and fresh pesto and vegan sausage and ridiculously fresh, local greens? We can have that! All of it! And we have! Booya!

To sum up, there's no point living someplace new if you're gonna insist on living and eating and consuming the same ways you did before. Serious colonization vibe, thanks, no thanks.

***

The young man who delivered the mower, et al, kindly gave me some safety guidance on mowing the rolling terrain around our house. That was *very* welcome, but better still was that he described the hills and swales as "hoop-de-doos".

I love it here.

The Total Body Freakout

Moving to another state?

Good for you!

It's a great way to exercise your body and exorcise your mind at the same time!

If I had been thinking, I'd have filmed this entire delightful process. The before and after segments would have been, uh, unintentionally funny? 

The farther down this road we go, though, the more that lucid thinking eludes me. I've gotten good at "overthinking" and extremely efficient at "reacting without thinking," but...

Important note: those aren't nearly as helpful as actual thinking. 

Especially when action is required! And decisions must be made. Hastily! 

Moving-Related Tasks That Are Fun AND Good Exercise:

{checks list}

Okay, changing that to

There were unexpected things
hidden in this mulch pile

Moving-Related Tasks That Are Good Exercise:

• Clearing the deck of plants and furnishings ahead of power washing deck
• Actual power washing of deck
• Moving plants and furnishings back onto clean deck

And as long as we're power-washing things...

• Climbing ladder to power wash moss off the roof
• Moving ladder multiple times in hot pursuit of more moss
• Actual power washing of moss off the roof

Let's re-clean all the things!

• Re-cleaning power-washed deck, plants and furnishings, driveway, et al, because power washing the roof is hideously messy and moss flies everywhere
• Re-wash formerly clean windows because
• I'm not very smart 

Let's break some things!

• Dismantle blue chicken coop and haul the pieces up from the back
• Demo grey chicken coop and haul the pieces to the transfer station
• Deconstruct predator fencing and netting while cursing predators nonstop

Let's talk about mulch

Mulch, as a general matter, is useful stuff. It quickly refurbishes places chickens have roamed for the past three years, and will eventually help restore the habitat to its lush PNW origins.

Yay, mulch!

Important note: mulch doesn't move itself. It requires shoveling, carrying, dumping, and spreading. These activities are all good exercise! Especially on the steep slope between the mulch pile and the back of our house!

Related: I've never seen so much mulch, let alone hauled it from one place to another. One day our driveway was clear, the next day it was buried in shredded tree-stuff. It was many, many days before the driveway was clear again.

{sighs, re-checks list}

We have so much more to do—and just three and a half days to do it.

Maybe this would be a good time to stop writing and start doing.

#notfreakingout #atall

Completely Normal

We were out walking the dogs when the cops rolled up.

Three SUVs, lights on, came to a halt perpendicular to the sidewalk, not more than 15 feet from where we were standing.

We stopped and waited, expecting some sort of explanation. Instead, in a conversational tone, one of the cops just said, "Keep walking."

"That was our plan," I said, and we kept walking.

Half a block later we were home, still looking over our shoulders, still wondering what was going on. In the interim, several more SUVs had arrived, and the cops were out of their cars, searching for someone. Overhead, a sheriff's helicopter appeared and was circling—low and at times right over our heads.

Meanwhile, pedestrians ambled by, cyclists cruised past, almost as if the increasingly abnormal scene was completely normal.

We sat in the sun on our front deck, occasionally venturing to the sidewalk in front of our house to see if anything different was happening. The little bridge over the ravine had been blocked off, and car traffic was being diverted. A couple more police vehicles came and went, yellow tape was deployed, cops patrolled the stretch of sidewalk in front of the still-parked SUVs.

Two women walked by, checking Twitter on their phones. "Any update?" my wife asked. "Just something vague about the fire department responding to a 'scene of violence,'" one of them replied.

A second helicopter was now circling the area, but aside from that little had changed in the half-hour since we returned home. We sat on our deck, reading the paper, searching Twitter for any kind of update. There was nothing.

By 7 p.m. the helicopters were gone, along with most of the police cars. I went inside and began the completely normal routine of making dinner—music in the background, a baseball game on mute on TV.

By 8:30 p.m. dinner was over and Anthony Bourdain was getting sloppy drunk on "No Reservations."

That's when we heard the shots.

Outside, there was nothing to see, but someone on a bullhorn was calling for "Junior" to come out of the house.

"Drop your weapon and come to the front door with your hands up."

Again. And again.

***

This happened four days ago, and this morning the neighborhood seems completely normal. Almost insanely so.

I've given some thought to the people who live closest to the scene. Some are empty-nesters, some have very young children. I wonder what they're thinking, how they're processing that beautiful summer evening. What they saw out their windows, how they're explaining it to their children.

Because as it turns out, "Junior" is dead. He reportedly shot himself right around 8:30 p.m. 

Earlier, not long after we walked by their front door, Junior shot his mom several times. Somehow she made it out of the house and was rushed to our local Level 1 trauma center. There's been no word how she's doing.

Junior was 20 years old, his mom is 44. We didn't know them.

***

We still haven't walked back past the house. 

Holding On Loosely

"What's wrong?"

[sobbing] "I'm just having a moment."

When the moment came, it arrived quickly and landed like a ton of wood shavings from the bottom of the coop.

[still sobbing] "I've just been holding on too tight for too long."

***

It started in February, during a snowstorm. 

Melissa was in Hawaii, which meant I was home solo. This has never been a big deal, mostly because year in and year out managing our little urban farm has always been manageable.

In February, though, the coyotes showed up.

And I got belligerent.

The most immediate expression of my hostility was simply standing watch over our chickens. Every morning, just as the automatic coop doors opened, I was out back, coffee in hand. Rain or shine, cold or not-quite-so-cold, a pile of throwing rocks here, a big stick there.

Outwardly I didn't make a big deal of it. It just became something I did, part of my daily routine, part of our responsibility to our creatures.

Inwardly, though, there was fear and frustration and dissonance.

Dissonance, because I respect the role of predators in a healthy ecosystem—and yet I literally wanted to kill these intruders. 

Frustration that despite our counter-measures—from hazing to fencing to visual screens—the coyotes kept coming back.

Fear that the coyotes would succeed and I would fail.

***

I learned the sounds of warning from the crows and alarm from the chickens. Their cues were invaluable, but not infallible. 

Which meant not a day went by that I didn't react to some unseen threat, real or otherwise. I would fly down the stairs and out the back door, triangulating off the crows' position in the trees and the defensive posture (or lack thereof) of the hens. 

"Where is it??" I would literally ask the crows as I scanned the fence line and the neighbors' back yards.

Often the alarms were false...but sometimes they weren't. Sometimes a coyote, or a hawk, or a raccoon was actually within rock-throwing distance. Three times an attack was in progress. Twice, one of our girls died.

Yes, I took it personally.

***

This cycle of watch-alarm-reaction continued, sometimes multiple times a day, until the day we re-homed the girls ahead of our move.

My moment of ablation came the next morning, when I would've normally been out with them.

Some days I still hear them back there. I don't *think* that means I'm crazy. 

I just think it means I was part of their flock, rather than the other way 'round, all along. 

Oh, Sh*t It's July

Seems like only yesterday it was June.

We're officially two months from Hawaii.

That's when the dogs, cats, and I board a plane bound for Kona and don't look back. 

Unless, you know, the flight plan calls for a banked turn or two before heading out to sea. In which case I might literally look back. 

Figuratively, though, not looking.

Hang on a sec...{frantically checks "Hawaii Move Timeline" check list}.

"I thought YOU checked the list."

It's fine. Nothing due today.

Missing something on that list has become one of my biggest fears. Because it feels like every line item is completely dependent on every other item, and missing even one of them will cause us to end up floating somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in "Joe Versus the Volcano" but with a shipping container instead of immaculately matched steamer trunks.

The most complicated of the tasks (and the one with the least margin for error) is the paperwork required to bring the dogs and cats with us. It's almost as if Hawaii doesn't want people importing animals from out of state—so they demand a portfolio of paper and a stack of cash to test their resolve.

Never did a welcoming sign
feel quite so ominous.

Do everything right, and we get to take our creatures home with us from the airport. Do something wrong, and (here's what keeps me up at night) "...the law requires dogs and cats that do not meet all of the specific requirements to be quarantined for up to 120 days upon arrival in Hawaii."

{frantically checks list for the 57th time}

Breathing...we're breathing...it's fine.

To be fair, the state has some very good reasons for its stringent policies. The most important of which is that Hawaii is rabies-free—and they want to keep it that way. Shoot, we want them to keep it that way. I'd just prefer not to be made to feel quite so jittery about it for the next two months.

Fortunately, we have a very kind and competent veterinarian helping us through this process—line by line, form by form, test by test. I really don't know what we'd do without her. Besides lose more sleep, obviously.

Two months. Sixty days. In some ways, it still feels a long way off.

In others, it feels like the plane is at the gate, waiting. 

{frantically checks list again}