apres-dark

well it kind of hurts
when the kind of words you write
kind of turn
themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve
you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged
in your contradictions dear
'cause here we are
here we are

--jason mraz

sometimes a book transitions seamlessly from one chapter to the next, with the reader in breathless pursuit.

what happens next? the writer teases.

i don't know, the reader complicitly purrs, but let's find out.

sometimes that's how it works...

* * * * *

by definition, an epiphany is an exciting, wondrous event. you have a moment of clarity and suddenly the pieces of thoughts and ideas and details snap into place and your eyes light up and you say, "wow. this is amazing. everyone, guess what...!"

other times the same sequence produces an entirely different result. the pieces coming together feels like the cold precision of vault doors closing, one after another, in unblinking synchrony. and while you're still left thinking, "of course, it makes perfect sense..." your eyes don't light up and you want to share it with no one. not even yourself.

sometimes that's how that works...

* * * * *

have you ever noticed, at times of unusual stress, that you don't think as clearly as you should? your peripheral vision constricts down to what's immediately in front of your eyeballs, like you're looking through a funnel.

that's when you notice you're not breathing properly, and a deep breath is one that makes it to the top of your lungs, if you remember to breathe at all.

that happens sometimes, too.

* * * * *

fun fact about paranoia: everything -- no matter how innocuous or contradictory or completely unrelated -- confirms your worst fears. corrolary: bad things happen to paranoid people, too, you know.

* * * * *

i don't like drama. it's exhausting. it sucks down time and energy like a black hole. or a black aura.

but sometimes it happens.