weird is the new normal

what do you do when your biomechanics are out of alignment?

when your aura's the wrong color and your chakras are inverted and your polarity is reversed and your antennae are jammed and your digital reverts to analog. what do you do?

this is not an idle question. someone here needs to know, rapidamente, and i think that someone is me.

look, i'm all about solving my own problems. i don't want to burden anyone, so i've been making a good-faith effort for years. but it's occured to me recently that maybe i'm not very good at it. let's take a look at some of the many and various endeavors...

good beer and wine: you betcha. as the years have gone by and the household income has improved, so has the quality and the quantity of the beer and wine. these days, however, the beer just fills me up. and the wine makes me sleepy (the upside, of course, is that the good wine pairs very well with food. and it's heart-healthy. which means you can eat more good food.)

in an attempt to realign, however, i've stopped drinking during the week. i try to make up for it on the weekends.

food: yes. and by that i mean, 'yes, please.' here, too, i try to do 'the right thing.' seafood, poultry, no red meat (no other-white-meat, either). lots of fresh produce. and breakfast.

then i found out about mercury in seafood. and the depletion of the world's fisheries. and "farm-raised" fish. and industrial poultry production. not to mention a very disturbing video featuring a very disturbed politician.

then there's the botulism and salmonella and pestilence and plague in our produce and everything containing peanut butter.

i may stop eating altogether.

exercise: i've spent thousands of dollars on gym memberships, and countless hours in various states of cardiovascular acceleration. basketball, weights, running, and a bunch of other active activities. which collectively resulted in many chiropractor visits costing even more money.

if anything, i'm more misaligned than when i started. which reminds me of a priceless bit of rhetoric: at the end of your life, your heart will have beaten a finite, quantifiable number of times. do you really want to use up those heartbeats exercising? especially when you could be having...

sex in unusual venues: what? why are you looking at me like that? stop it.

the takeaway here is that it's possible none of these responses will have the transformative effect your metaphysical biomechanics require. and that sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, things still go sideways. and you're left standing there with your brow furrowed and your mouth agape, the perfect spokes-dupe for discombobulation.

what then?

near as i can tell, at that point, you have choices. you can stand there wallowing in karmic confusion and let the rain fall into your open mouth. you can slink away muttering about the uncaring unfairness of the universe and the utter cluelessness of miss california.

or you can give yourself over to the timeless, unchanging fundamental that weird is the new normal...and then sigh deeply, smile an ironic smile and get on with your life.

have you been there? are you there now? what did you do about it? and how'd that work out for you? any reasonable suggestions, and oh-what-the-hell, any unreasonable ones, are welcome.