Thursday, June 14, 2012

a boy named sue

come and play with us danny.
forever and ever and ever.
apparently you can sue someone for scaring you.

it says here that 10 passengers are suing jetblue airlines because a jetblue pilot went, uh, slightly off-course during a flight.

which is to say he wandered through the cabin babbling incoherently about things other than flying over the grand canyon, cruising altitude, and keeping seatbelts fastened.

this frightened the passengers (and probably the rest of the crew), and understandably so. because, while it's disconcerting to see a homeless person on the street babbling incoherently, it's also kind of expected. when the captain of your flight does it, it's disturbing. in a scary way.

but do we really have a legal right not to be scared?

if we do, i'm hiring a lawyer, stat.

guy on the freeway drifting into my lane at 70 mph while talking on your cell phone? you're totally sued.

pajama-wearing teenager spending all day on the computer, drinking soda and eating popcorn? sorry son, you're sued.

pit bulls. guns. chain saws. you can't handle the truth.

severed achilles tendons. torn knee ligaments. idiopathic thoracic pressure? lawyer up.

the word 'avulsion.'

screenwriter, director and cast of "the shining"? sued. (especially those twins with the huge foreheads. sheesh.)

overpaying for mediocre wine.

aneurysms, stroke, cancer. fuck you, and please enjoy this nice legal document.

you know, come to think of it, one needn't actually be frightened to sue for emotional distress. on that basis, i could sue the seattle mariners for being so awful for so long.

months of cold, dark, wet pacific northwest weather? we'll see you in court.

onions? i've hated you for a long time. decades. you bastards owe me.

if this jetblue thing turns out to be legit, the possibilities are endless.

but i'm afraid it won't.

i should sue.

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