cher and cher alike

you know who's had an improbable, implausible life?

cher.

(don't pretend you saw this post coming.)

imagine pitching a screenplay of her life...you'd get laughed out of every gin joint in every town around the world.

"so, here's what i'm thinking...it's a rags-to-riches story about a girl who comes out of nowhere to date warren beatty, marry sonny bono, and record hit songs across six decades. she stars in a hugely successful variety show on tv, wins emmys and grammys and oscars...incredible, right? but there's some bad stuff, too. she gets divorced from sonny, marries and divorces gregg allman, then speed-dates a bunch of other people, from gene simmons to tom cruise. later, sonny dies in a tragic skiing accident, after being elected to congress as a republican. there's probably no relationship between those two things, though...i'm still working on that part."

"there's also a part where her child transgenders from an adorable little girl into an overweight guy (not that there's anything wrong with that)."

"eventually she becomes an american icon, instantly recognizeable by her first name, worth hundreds of millions of dollars, minus a few hundred grand for tattoos and cosmetic surgery...all this from a girl with a big heart, a big voice, and a big nose from nowheresville. well mr. demille...what do you think?"

"it's completely implausible, kid. no one would ever believe such a cockamamie bunch of baloney. get out of here!"

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anyway, the girl and i were watching "burlesque" this week, and it occurred to me that of all the fictional female characters in all the movies ever made, most don't compare to cher's real life. that, and at 65 she can still belt out a song.

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"If I'd had as much plastic surgery as they say, you know, like I've got ass implants and calf implants and cheek implants. I've had the same cheeks my entire life. No butt lifts. No ribs removed. Having said that, if I want to put my tits on my back, it's nobody's business but my own."

~~cherilyn sarkisian