man on edge

i am so screwed.

my wife is out of town this week, so i'm a temporary single parent. this was a challenge when i was at home, playing mr. mom. now that i'm working full-time on the other side of town, all the components of a modest cluster fuck are in place.

our child care situation is a badly knitted fabric of luck and catch-as-catch-can. snag one thread and the garment catches fire, emits toxic fumes, and splatters poop hibbity-gibbity.

all i need is a visit from the irony gods to make things really interesting.

a little perspective from brother stevie ray vaughan...

Caught up in a whirlwind, can't catch my breath.
Knee deep in hot water, broke out in cold sweat.
Can't catch a turtle, in this rat race.
Feels like I'm losing ground, at a breakneck pace.

Walkin' the tight rope, steppin on my friends
Walkin' the tight rope, was a shame and a sin.
Walkin' the tight rope, between wrong and right.
Walkin' the tight rope, both day and night.

here's some free advice: never taunt the irony gods. in fact, don't even try to get their attention. the irony gods like nothing better than to show off their mad irony skillz. who can blame them? they've had millennia to practice, and are proud of their work ethic. when they're not busy screwing around.

and i mean that in the nicest possible way.

deep breaths...

i'm okay...

p.s. i want my mommy!

the power of suggestion

watch the pretty coin of gold
and you will do as you are told
you are brave, and that's a fact
you will do the high wire act!



all across the country, neophyte neoclowns line up to share a stage with george bush. they appear anxious to mouth his engorged social security epistles, and regurgitate his most profoundly ignorant talking points.

despite the fact that most americans have dismissed bush and his eye-rolling, repetitive drivel, he continues to insist that social security is a crippled system that, if left alone, would be reduced to a 'group of filing cabinets with a bunch of IOUs in it.'

is it any wonder that most of the civilized world has turned on us? really, if americans are so easily duped by a band of self-serving, self-parodying assklowns, we're too much trouble to bother with.

gainful employment--redux

pursuant to the job i was pursuing...i caught it. or it caught me.

either way, the relationship got underway today, and it's causing me severe cognitive dissonance.

for years i've identified myself as a writer. "what do you do?" "i'm a writer." "oh, really?! how interesting!..." nice conversation starter.

now, however, i am a marketing director. that's what the business card says. marketing director at a clinical research organization. (you got problems? we got clinical trial medication.)



i like being a "writer" better. but after nearly a year out of an advertising agency and too few freelance gigs, it was clear that my self-descriptor had to change--or at least evolve.

p.s. did i mention there's a commute? frick, they're not paying me near enough.

mcclellan squeezed

it's always nice when slimy, squirming scott mcclellan gets put through the wringer. give the boy credit, though. he just learned the word 'protocol' and he's trying to work it into every stumbling sentence he utters.

Q I think there's a disconnect here because, I mean, yesterday you had more than 30,000 people who were evacuated, you had millions of people who were watching this on television, and there was a sense at some point -- it was a short window, a 15-minute window, but there was a sense of confusion among some on the streets. There was a sense of fear. And people are wondering was this not a moment for the President to exercise some leadership, some guidance during that period of time? Was this not a missed opportunity for the President to speak out and at least clarify what -- that he was informed, and what was taking place at that time? If not even during the 15-minute window, why not later in the day?

slimy scott mcclellan: The President did lead, and the President did that after September the 11th when we put the protocols in place to make sure that situations like this were addressed before it was too late. And that was the case -- that was the case in this situation. And in terms of during this time, this was a matter of minutes when this was occurring. And all the appropriate security personal and Homeland Security officials and others were acting to implement those protocols. And we commend all those that worked to follow those protocols and make sure that this situation was addressed. And it worked, in terms of the protocols.

got that? the president did lead. he led the bike ride he was on, all the way back to the candy store. and when he got there he sat down and read his favorite book, "my pet goat."



i like goats. and riding my bike!

the dark side

the head of hasbro’s u.s. toy division doesn’t know the first thing about children.

brian goldner gets paid a lot of money to market molded plastic to kids, but cannot possibly have any offspring of his own. according to goldner, the sale of star wars "sith" toys to young children does not send the message that "sith" is a movie for them to see.

"We sell a tremendous variety of toys for 'star wars,' and we sell different toys for different ages as well as for collectors," Goldner said. "I don't think anyone expects those children to be at the movie on opening day. The toys are a way to participate too, for the kids that won't be at the theater."

is brian really this dumb? probably not. more likely he’s just a liar, and not a very good one at that. feigning innocence in the face of such a whoriffic and obvious untruth isn’t clever. but given his position and salary, we probably shouldn’t expect him to be truthful about the mega-bucks that are about to roll in.

goldner: "sure, this movie is totally inappropriate for young kids, but george lucas spent a ton of money getting it made. we’re gonna drive the hell out of demand, and kids are gonna drive their parents nuts until they get into the theater.”

goldner prior to his role at hasbro:

neoclown welfare warfare

new york times editorialist david brooks waxes rhetorically:

Don't take people at their word. Don't listen to them when they tell you how to be virtuous.

They're faking it. They don't care about virtue, or you or the common good. They're just taking opportunistic potshots under the guise of sermonizing. They're just a bunch of hypocrites.

This little bit of moral philosophy is drawn from the political events of the past few years.

now, without looking, which political party is brooks describing?

if you said "republicans," you'd be forgiven, since they are the poster party of faux morality and vulgar opportunism (see "schiavo, terri"). brooks, a slurping, gargling suck-up of the worst kind, actually was describing democrats, and their "failure" to rescue the president from his social security crapwallow.

george will spews in as well, describing most effectively the republican vision of this program...

Whatever is done, or if nothing is done, to reform Social Security, it will be increasingly perceived as a welfare program, important primarily for the least self-sufficient minority.

so much for "the common good" envisioned by the founders, not to mention the party of compassionate conservatism.

then there's debra saunders, who apparently was out sick the day they taught journalism at j-school...

While 99 percent of Washington pols have been talking as if Americans have a sacred right to expect something for nothing, Bush backed a plan by a Democrat, lawyer and mutual-fund executive Robert Pozen, called "progressive indexing." Pozen's plan would maintain Social Security benefit increases for lower-income workers, while limiting increases for high-income and middle-income workers, by tying the growth in their benefits to a price index. The White House claims this plan would fix 70 percent of the system's projected shortfall.

Bush "definitely put his neck out and he deserves a lot of credit for offering a concrete suggestion for how to rein in benefits," said Zeeve. No lie.

is it any wonder that professional journalism is respected every bit as much as a good case of vaginal warts?

in those two paragraphs debra disgraces herself more often than in her entire career as a crack whore. something for nothing, debra? limiting increases? bush deserves credit?

once more: bush deserves credit for failing to produce anything resembling a plan to "fix" social security. that's because bush is not interested in "fixing" social security, he's trying to drive it over a cliff and blame the democrats for faulty steering.

in refusing to "save" bush and his non-plan, the democrats are doing exactly the right thing. the sooner middle class voters realize this president is stealing their futures so the richest 1% of americans can have lavish tax cuts, the sooner the neoclown circus will fold up and scurry out of town.

gainful employment

i'm poised on the brink of a new job.

this is somewhat surprising, since my last job was a less than fulfilling experience. more, it was demotivating, dispiriting, and disincentivizing.

to be accurate that was my penultimate job. my current gig is much more rewarding...but the pay sucks.

i'm a nanny for my children. back in the day this would have been referred to as "unemployment," and/or "parenting." today, however, i'm mr. mom. or nanny daddy. or some variation on that theme.

i insist.

but, due to economic variables, some of them out of my control, i'm poised, job-brink-wise. also, because my wife insists. something about being able to continue living in our house.

that got my attention, and was persuasive. i would not like to tell my children to go to their room if their room were a cardboard box.

so, i'm haggling with a healthcare company, with the end result ostensibly being a marketing position.

don't worry, though. my first priority will still be this lucrative blog stuff.

the better to screw with you, my dear...

how some people qualify as quoteworthy is beyond me.

take patrick ruffin...please.

the guy was webmaster for bush-cheney '04. not just a geek, mind you, but a neoclown geek. (not that i have anything against geeks.)

here's his take, quoted in the washington freaking post, on the intelligence of americans...

On lofty questions of policy, perhaps it isn't that the American people are for or against – but that they just don't care. Americans care more about Michael Jackson than judicial filibusters. They are more concerned with Paula Abdul than with the Pozen proposal for progressive indexing. And that is as it should be.

don't you just want to smack him upside his smarmy, smirking head?



what's really disgusting is that he's half-right: americans are more interested in wacko jacko and the runaway bride/freak and laura bush's observations of male horse anatomy.

and that is as it should be, patrick?

actually, that makes some sense, too. because the more americans are raptly fascinated with this kind of mind-shredding crap, the easier it is for devious little snots like you and your boss to eff up this country.

twitchy little twit...

white house insecurity

carol towarnicky is aghast. agape. agog.

she's the chief editorial writer at the philadelphia daily news, so she has some experience in discerning the newsworthiness of a story.

so why, carol wonders, has the mainstream media totally punted on james guckert, aka jeff gannon, the white house's favorite gay porn/escort shill?

IF A REPORTER who doubled as a gay hooker had visited the Clinton White House nearly 200 times, think it would have made the news? And if 39 of those White House visits were mysteriously unrelated to his "reporting" duties, imagine what innuendoes would be issuing forth from Planet Limbaugh. Imagine the organized phone call campaign demanding newspapers and TV stations report the story.

But Gannon/Guckert isn't being unveiled or innuendoed or even blipped on media radar screens, even among liberals.

if the post-9/11 fear factory, aka the white house, has an imposter running around within spitting distance of the president, why isn't that news? in the post-"moral values" election white house, did the secret service know a gay porn star was within kissing distance of the president?

the people who let this guy pass 196 times have some serious explaining to do, and so far they've refused to do so. and it's because the media is complicit in giving the story a pass.

so, either the "liberal media" is dead, or every white house correspondent is being paid from the ari fleischer memorial slush fund.

either way, towarnicky is right, and you've gotta wonder what kind of parties they're throwing at 1600...

repetitive motion

there's a point in ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" when people realize they're just going through the motions, doing what they're accustomed to doing, no matter how ludicrous it is. no one believes in the charade. but no one steps up and says, "hey, this is stupid."

are you living like this? one part of your brain is screaming, "hey, homer! you're acting like a circus monkey! cut it out." another part is saying, "don't listen to him, he's crazy. go back to your very special episode of 'blossom'."

(don't worry, it's a rhetorical question.)

which brings us to george bush's latest press conference.

reporter: mr. president, what about iraq?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about increased terror attacks?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about drilling in anwr?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about your dispicable lack of character, morals or brain cells?
george: we're making great progress.



oh, sorry. there was a point to the ayn rand reference, and it was this: soon thereafter, the whole u.s. social and business structure came crashing down, because it was built out of bullshit. kind of like the current u.s.

laughing with the enemy

david broder is a funny guy.

he thinks (get this) that democrats should trust republicans to do the right thing. [insert snorting guffaw here.]

Instead of sending a message that they do not trust their Republican colleagues' judgment -- and therefore feel justified in preventing a vote -- the Democrats would be saying to their colleagues and the country: We trust you to take your "advise and consent" duties seriously.

And they should feel such trust. The balance of power in the Senate is not in a right-wing cabal; it is in the moderate center. You can see that in the careful way the Senate Foreign Relations Committee is weighing the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations. You saw it also in Senate debate on the budget resolution.

lol. good one, dave.

can anyone imagine why democrats wouldn't trust their republican colleagues? besides iraq, social security, bankruptcy, tax cuts for the rich, terri schiavo, tom delay, bill frist, "justice sunday", anwr, donald rumsfeld, and dick cheney i mean? yeah, those are some pretty impressive credentials, aren't they?

dave, it was hilarious when your boy newt gingrich and his friends were busy obstructing two clinton administrations. remember how funny that was? that was back in the days before pre-emptive wars, and an undeclared war on non-wealthy americans. that was back in the days of budget surplusses and uninterrupted prosperity. thank god those days are over, huh?



what's that you say?

The Republicans -- with Vice President Cheney in the chair -- could well muster the 51 votes needed to change Senate rules and abolish judicial filibusters. If that were to happen, Democrats have said they would use every rule and procedure available to them to bring the work of the Senate to a halt.

Building such a roadblock to consideration of such important legislation as energy, Social Security, welfare reform and the routine financing of government would bring down deserved public condemnation, and the mighty megaphone of the White House would ensure that Democrats took the brunt of the blame.

dave, you're not keeping up with current events. americans will be very unamused if republicans trash over two centuries of history to facilitate the neoclown agenda.

so i think you can forget about senate democrats bending over for theocracy-promoting, environment-wrecking, science-hating, torture-loving republicans and their pet judicial nominees.

sorry, dave, but this bit of high comedy is not the democrats' responsibility. if the senate republicans are as infused with integrity and fairness as you say, it should be no trouble at all for them to turn back before their little car bursts into flames and plunges off the cliff.



even though that would be really funny to watch.

whither winthrop in winter?

according to local legend, winthrop, washington is a winter wonderland.

this is a seasonal designation, interestingly enough, generally occurring during the winter months.

but not this year. this year there was no snow in winthrop. no cross-country skiing. no snowmobiling. no horse-drawn sleigh rides. no winter retail. no more fun of any kind.

and so, predictably, the locals turned to cannibalism.

no, not really. but given the slowdown in the local economy, it wouldn't really surprise to read tales of the dark side in the methow valley news, would it? instead of reading about how udell and georgia sanders were grand marshall and grand lady of 49er days, we might easily imagine how georgia cooked up old udell in a vat of barbeque. mightn't we?


georgia and udell in happier times.

okay, i hyperbolize. but the fact is, without tourism, the towns of winthrop and twisp (8 miles apart, according to the road sign, but really only 5 miles separate), are sunk. bereft. desolated.

or so one would think. as it turns out, these twin towns of different fathers have more going for them than is obvious at first or even second glance. particularly if the glances are cursory or dismissive (i speak from experience in those areas).

in winthrop, the kitschy neo-faux western town, you can dine on excellent thai cuisine at the topo cafe. at least i think you can. we had take-out from the topo recently, and received the last entrees of the evening...because the chef cut herself and had to be rushed to the emergency room. prior to this unfortunate event, however, the food was excellent.

twisp counters with the II bees cafe. it's a breakfast joint, it's an art gallery, no wait...it's both. totally non sequitir in this burg, this outpost, i thought. before thinking again.

then there's the duelling brew pubs.

the winthrop brewing company and the twisp river pub. both with a river view, and both serving up home-made beer. if you like that sort of thing.

and we do.


the ultimate head-scratcher, however, is the sun mountain lodge, just outside winthrop. if at first you thought there was no reason for either of these towns to exist, you could be excused. but the sun mountain...it's out there. way. out. there.

looming out of the fog, with a presence like the overlook hotel, the sun mountain is a stunning destination resort. it hosts a 5-star restaurant, plush accommodations, and an array of activities for anyone interested in activizing.

keep in mind, seattle is the closest thing to a city anywhere within a 5-hour drive. so the market for these businesses has to come from far away. i don't know how they turn a profit. but i do know this: the food at the sun mountain dining room is as good as the view. and the view is spectacular.



sure, alferd packer was the head chef, but i wasn't concerned...i had the halibut.

winter in winthrop is over, as if it never happened at all. okay, this year it didn't happen at all. despite that, the locals seem to be getting along nicely. whether we know about them or not.

days with dogs II

two hairy dogs and one harried owner visit the local park...

twice a day, every day. morning and evening. different crowds, one goal: get the dogs to pee and poop at the park, instead of in the yard.

oh, it's also good that the dogs get some exercise, socialize, and give their little doggy brains something to ponder besides their next meal.

it works out well for the dogs, who are often better-behaved than their owners.

wally is a smart, funny little jack russell terrier. dennis, his owner, is a lapsed advertising copywriter who recently completed his first book. wally runs around, plays, and generally disregards dennis' instructions. dennis, a bit of a control freak, gets uptight if other dogs attempt to play with wally's rubber bone.

dennis is spiritual kin to "garbo," an astringent woman with an enthusiastic border collie. garbo (she wants to be alone) gets extremely flustered if another dog attempts to intrude on her game of fetch. in a park full of dogs chasing thrown items, this attitude is problematic.

sam, a long-haired dacshund, likes to hump other dogs. it's semi-amusing at first, as the targets of his affection are often males, and always bigger than sam. but soon it becomes clear that sam's owner will do nothing to discourage this behavior--and becomes indignant if the target dog objects.

"there are no bad dogs, only bad owners."

this is a true statement. and while these people aren't bad owners, they're dragging down the average. i applaud them for providing a good home and excellent care for their pets. but i have to question the world view of a person who lets a dog act like it's on a bad episode of 'animal cops.'


bad dog, bad dog, what'cha gonna do?

which brings us to me, and my dog, gunnar. gunnar is a thief. he has been since he was a pup. despite nine years of my best intentions and efforts, he still steals anything he can get his mouth on. oh, and he's also a canine disposal--he tries to eat the things he steals.

nothing is safe. tennis balls, leashes, poop bags (unused), dog toys. also books, cell phones, sunglasses, footballs. the dog has been split open from stem to stern at christmas time to remove an assortment of recreational equipment from his digestive tract. and he remains undeterred.

the one and only factor saving me from further embarrassment is that gunnar is going blind, and can't see to steal nearly as much or as often. it's an unfortunate but useful tradeoff.

so, upon further review, it's likely that other dog people look at gunnar and say, "bad dog." if they're more philosophical they may just look at me and say, "bad owner." either way, i suppose i'm dragging down the average.

but look we're trying. we play well with the other dogs, and with most of the people. we're not perfect--but then again, it's an imperfect world. and we're just doing our best to keep the poop off the bottom of our shoes.

house new-tiful

when we moved to seattle, i didn't anticipate renovating an entire house in less than a year.

but i'm a man, and we don't experience the female biological imperative to change for the sake of change.

so i was unprepared for my wife's implacable and constant drive to re-do the whole place. i mean, sure some cosmetic stuff had to go. the floral print wallpaper borders and complementing fruit cabinet hardware, for example, were tres cheesy. the wicker cabinets in both baths were inarguably bad. and the electric faux-fireplace taking up a huge chunk of living room space? that was just stupid.

but these were mere prelude. little did i realize the wholesale and wanton upheaval that was to follow.

in the past few weeks we have met with representatives of the ironworks industry (spiral staircase to the basement); the decking industry (trex deck and oh-what-the-hell, a hot tub for the back yard); a general contractor ("a second story on the house? sure, we can do that!"); and an architect ("push out the front of the house about 8 feet and you could have a fabulous kitchen!").

get a bobcat and dig out the front of the house. add a couple french doors, instant walk-out basement. switch the arrangement of the laundry room and downstairs bath. built-in cabinets and a gas fireplace for the family room.

there's more, but i'm scaring myself now.

for the sake of convenience, many of these little projects were coming in at $4,500. estimate after estimate, $4,500. it was eerily reminiscent of the old richard pryor bit, in which every change to his new house was $500.

contractor: what'cha want? it's $500.
pryor: i haven't even told you what i want yet.
contractor: i don't give a fuck, it's $500.

apparently there's been some inflation in the house renovation industry over the past few years.

all we need is a roll of $4,500 bills and we'll knock this whole thing out right quick. here's one for you, and one for you, and one for you...oh, what the hell, take two. it's only money. of course some of these improvements will exceed $4,500. the second floor and the kitchen, for example. oh well. we'll simply have to scrounge up some more $4,500 bills somewhere. lots more.


can we spend it? yes, we can!

change is inevitable. i know that. my wife wants this house to be a dream home. i'm down with that, too. but does it have to happen all at once? can't we spread it out over, say, the next 10 years?

sorry. bad attitude. if i want to embrace my wife, i will have to learn to embrace these changes. and i do. so i will.

a passing

my friend ed and i have known each other since kindergarten. i still remember him sitting on the floor in the front row, tall and impressive for a five-year-old. one day our teacher, mrs. phillips, complimented him on sitting up nice and straight. so, i sat up nice and straight, hoping she'd say something about me. didn't happen.

there's a picture of ed and his dad, taken in about 1963, featured prominently in ed's living room. next to it is a shot of ed and his son, staged to look just like the previous generation of father-and-son. it's a simple display, but also charming and endearing.

it's also sad, because ed's father died easter weekend.

the fact of his passing was not so sad, in that he was suffering from a painful, debilitating disease. it would be much more tragic if he were obliged to stay, interminably, tormented by his condition.

i've known ed for almost 40 years. we went to school together, played sports together, drank together...we even dated the same girl in high school. that's an incidental detail i don't hold against him, because he married the girl and i got to be in the wedding party. i also got to be godfather to their two kids, and they are two of the most beautiful children i know. our families have vacationed together, and one day we may buy a snazzy vacation home somewhere. together.

anyway, the point is we have a lifetime of shared memories--but in all that time, i never knew ed's dad. he moved away years ago, and my understanding is he never really looked back. so he didn't have a good handle on the person his son grew into; the committed father and husband and friend he became as a man. ed's dad died without being able to look at his son and say, "that's my boy, and i'm proud of him."

it's sad, because there's a lot to be proud of. ed is intelligent, and funny. he's a good writer, and he makes a mean mai tai. back in the day he was a hell of a basketball player...now he coaches his two kids, who have in turn become basketball prodigies.

so, i went to a funeral yesterday. funerals being what they are, it was a sad occasion. for a lot of reasons. but there was one aspect of this passing that was not at all unhappy, and it's this: buried with ed's father is a legacy of distance and indifference that could have easily been inherited by his son, but was not. that torch was not passed on to his son's children.

conventional wisdom is that we all want our children to do better, to be better than we were. i hope ed's father now knows that his son achieved that goal, and much more.

what we know

the old advice for writers is to write what we know. i don't know if this is such great advice, but it's a good place to start.

i know a few things.

gimme a minute, i'll think of something...

pfft, come to think of it, i don't know a damn thing.

okay, that's the disclaimer. now, on to things i claim to know, but cannot provide a link to, clinical trial results from, or divine insight of...

number one (and these are in no particular order): the ncaa basketball tournament is one of the greatest sporting events of any year. the games themselves provide industrial strength drama, pathos, and exhilaration. and the office pools are great entertainment. fact is, big dance pools are a pretty good metaphor for life, aren't they? everybody makes their picks according to what they know, what they feel, and at the end, most times, everybody's brackets are a shambles. just. like. life.

letter b: orcas are damn fine representatives of the pacific northwest. sea otters are more easily anthropomorphized, river otters are more charming, but orcas are awe-inspiring. having seen them up close, from the cockpit of a sea kayak, i can say i've never been the same since. make of that what you will.

number 3: neocon politics and politicians are a threat to this country. they have demonstrated they have no respect for the poor, for children, for the geneva conventions, for the constitution, or for our intelligence. they must be stopped.