Saturday, March 19, 2011

utah! for multiple gunshot wounds, this is the place!

Utah! With its focus on family,
Utah! Helps each child to succeed.
People care how they live.
Each has so much to give.
This is the place!

Utah! Getting bigger and better.
Utah! Always leading the way.
New technology's here...
Growing faster each year.
This is the place!

-- from the utah state song

utah is a conservative place.

the majority of its residents don't approve of alcohol, or caffeine, or premarital canoodling.

they like their dogma rigid and their politicians far to the right (farther. no, farther. keep going...you're still not there).

so it probably should surprise no one that utah is out there on the leading edge in the all-american celebration of guns.

did you know:

the utah state insect is the honey bee (busy little pollenizer, honey for my decaf tea...this is the bee!)

the state folk dance is the square dance (lots of awkward white people, moving in a trance...this is the dance!)

the state rock is coal (pointed at our climate, loaded bituminous glock...this is the rock!)

and now the great state of utah is the first in the nation to have its own official handgun (30,000 deaths a year, second amendment fun...this is the gun!)

60% of utahns identify themselves as mormons. 80% of the utah legislature is mormon. that's a lot of alleged jesus admirers. how do you suppose they reconcile his message of peace with their new state weapon?
Before approving the bill, the Utah State Senate added language to acknowledge that the Legislature does not condone acts of violence.
oh.

interesting technical notes:

the M1911 semiautomatic pistol is designed for use at close range. it fires a .45 caliber round capable of blowing large holes in soft tissue. available high-capacity magazines allow the user to fire up to 14 rounds in about 10 seconds. yay, stopping power!

the sponsor of utah's new symbol, rep. carl wimmer, (R-bloodlust), said the gun symbolizes "freedom and empowerment." does it really, carl? or is a gun more about weakness and fear and a small penis?

whoops! we digress.

and anyhoo, it's done. like the song says, utah is always leading the way, helping each child succeed. but you have to wonder, which of utah's most pious family-focused legislators asked: who would jesus shoot, and what kind of ordnance would he use?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are dumb.

spaceneedl said...

thank you for your assessment. i'll try harder in the future.