if he hadn’t been asleep in the clubhouse, the mariners wouldn't be in an unrecoverable tailspin. they wouldn't have lost 10 of their last 12 games.
and the players wouldn't be freezing out a longtime beatwriter who had the nerve to report pesky facts about junior sleeping in the clubhouse during yet another season-killing loss.
we in america demand more from our sports icons.
where was junior when the oil rig blew up? sleeping in the clubhouse.
where was he when the arizona legislature passed its odious racial profiling legislation? snoring on his sofa.
didja know tiger woods pulled out at the players championship? and by that i mean "he walked off the course during the fourth round complaining of a neck injury." where was junior? putting on a sleep apnea clinic.
if the mariners want to pay the guy $5 million to be ichiro's designated tickler, that's their prerogative. if don wakamatsu doesn't think junior's a good pinch-hitting option over a catcher hitting a terrifying .140, hey, he's the manager.
but if junior's gonna be aleep at the switch while the rest the world falls apart around him...
"I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything." -- earl woods
"i want to find out who the skanks were. i want to find out if you caught any communicable diseases. and i want you to hold still so i can bury this nine iron in your skull." -- elin woods
tiger woods is back! isn't that great? he's a famous golfer, you know, but he's been away from the game for awhile.
now, just in time for the masters, he's back with a new lease on life, a new escalade, and a new tv spot selling nike. that's nike the lifestyle, we have to assume, given that no products are mentioned.
isn't it a great spot?! tiger just stands there, looking sullen, as his long-dead father quizzes him about something very important. we're not sure what...maybe it's that young tiger swiped some rum from his parents' liquor cabinet. or maybe he blew off putting practice to go on the mike douglas show. or maybe it's that he had sex with an assortment of porn stars, escorts, and his neighbor's daughter.
it's a great spot! on so many levels, not the least of which is that earl woods allegedly was a huge womanizer. that's why having zombie earl crawl out of the grave to lecture tiger, like jacob marley hectoring ebeneezer scrooge, is such a brilliant, ironic ploy by team nike.
watching this spot, who could resist embracing the remorseful, misunderstood eldrick, and then rushing out to purchase an assortment of nike balls and, um, other equipment?
who could resist gluing their eyeballs to the tv set during a week of tradition like no other -- the masters? particularly when billy payne, chairman of augusta national golf club, also is lecturing tiger about the great golfer's alleged moral inadequacies.
augusta national, you know, is legendary for its upstanding tradition of excluding women, blacks, and other undesirables from its ranks. so payne knows of what he speaks when he says tiger is "a disappointment and a disgrace as a man and a role model."
the drama is palpable! can you feel it? and we haven't even talked about the golf yet! tiger is a really, really good golfer. did we mention that? that's why everything he says and does is so important, and why this commercial is so profound and really, really good.
yay, tiger! yay, nike! yay drama, and the 24-hour coverage thereof!
important safety note: watch out for zombie earl! he's eating brains. yours could be next!
not at all! it's merely alive in a different form: newszombie! the cool thing about this news is, it eats your brains!
don't take my word for it!
"kill the killer whale?" soul-searchingly asks, "should we kill the intelligent animals we hold captive for our entertainment and profit?"
"seaworld suspending all of its killer whale shows today after after one of the park's star attractions turned on its trainer and killed her in front of a horrified audience...hln news shows are asking viewers if the whale involved in wednesday's incident should be put down."
did you feel it? part of your brain was just consumed! you'll never get it back again!
"Trainer Dawn Brancheau understood the power of SeaWorld's biggest killer whale better than most. She worked with Tilikum for more than 10 years. Yet on Wednesday, as she stood knee deep in water rubbing the massive animal's head as a reward for a good training session, he turned on her."
chompchompchomp...no, that's not the whale having a snack, that's newszombie eating more of your brain!
"gatorade dumps tiger woods" is a lurid tale of a major brand cynically used by another major brand, then callously tossed aside.
"We no longer see a role for Tiger in our marketing efforts and have ended our relationship," a Gatorade spokesman said Friday in a statement. "We wish him all the best."
gatorade contains high-fructose corn syrup which has been linked to obesity, high cholesterol and heart disease. so, the tiger brand got dumped by the brand that contributes to death and disease all over the world. "yes, but our fine beverages have never had sex with porn stars, strippers and escorts," said the spokesperson. "we just can't be associated with that kind of behavior."
slurpslurpslurp...
on an encouraging final note, congressional republicans have finally come up with a substantive proposal for healthcare reform. let's roll the newszombie video on this plan...
are you clear on the plan? "let's start over, from a clean sheet of paper, scrap the bill, go step by step, and start over."
it was not widely reported, but the plan also calls for zombies to eat the brains of anyone with pre-existing conditions, anyone who gets sick, and anyone not covered by dick cheney's health plan.
