wassup, dawg?

my dog bit me yesterday.

today, after a visit to the emergency room and the pharmacy, my thumb is throbbing.

but at least it's still attached.

for the record, gunnar isn't mean, he's just stupid. he wanted to eat a dog license form, and my thumb got in the way.

he grabbed the form, and the last half inch of my nail, and clamped down. oh, yeah, he got me good.

the emergency room physician did a fine job with the repairs. first, with the local anesthetic; okay, that hurt. he needled "the four nerves in the thumb," one at a time, each more painful than the last.

then he cut back the nail to expose the nail matrix, which gunnar had made a mess of. then he sutured the whole thing back together. that kinda hurt, too.

bla bla bla, long story short, my weekend is shot. the dog is oblivious. and i'm on augmentin and vicodin.

and the thumb is still throbbing.

frick.

not so fast

the idiot bush, attempting to deflect attention from his treasonous henchman karl rove, today accelerated the selection of a supreme court nominee to replace sandra day o'connor.

so over the next few days/weeks we'll be overwhelmed with rhetoric about the suitability of the nominee, and, in theory, rove's outing of a cia agent will fade to black.

before that happens, let's look back to 2001 when the idiot bush was babbling about the level of discourse in his administration:

"[W]e must remember the high standards that come with high office. This begins with careful adherence to the rules. I expect every member of this administration to stay well within the boundaries that define legal and ethical conduct. This means avoiding even the appearance of problems. This means checking and, if need be, doublechecking that the rules have been obeyed. This means never compromising those rules."

karl rove, the president's brain, blew the cover of a cia agent for political gain.

now, through administrative and procedural sleight of hand, the president would like everyone to forget this fact.

the president, therefore, is at the very least an accessory to treason.

my favorite thing about chicago...

leaving.

and while that's totally unfair, and generally unsupportable, it is nonetheless true.

let us stipulate that chicago is a great city. the architecture is spectacular, it is teeming with friendly people, and there are some great restaurants.

i spent three days there this week, amidst all that splendiferousness...and i still couldn't wait to leave.

i know. the failing is mine. apparently the charm of business travel has deserted me, so no matter how accommodating the location, i can't wait to get the hell out of there.

thus the paradox: i'm having a great time, let's leave.

which way today?

dick cheney says the insurgency is in its last throes. donald rumsfeld says the insurgency could go on for a dozen years.

which is it, fuckers?

i ask this not because of the 1,700 american dead in iraq, but because the wild rhetoric from the bush administration is giving me whiplash.

this war is about WMD.

this war is about freedom.

this war is about terrorists.

this war is about 9/11.

which is it, fuckers?

1,500 US deaths ago it was "mission accomplished". now it's an open-ended commitment to some undefined objectives.

previously, taking down saddam would make the US safer. now iraq is the main battle field against terrorism.

which is it, fuckers?

what's that ringing?

if it's the fourth of july, it must be freedom.

even if the ringing is muffled and muted this year.

freedom of speech is under attack, and if congress has its way, burning an american flag will become a criminal act. apparently some political speech is too unpleasant to hear.

to be sure, not all speech should be protected. for example, you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater.

but for some reason, george bush can yell "9/11" any time his poll numbers drop.

i bought my first flag in september, 2001.

and now it looks like i may have burn it.

what a waste of $75.

looking good, louis...

i spent a boatload of money at nordstrom this weekend.

black suit. shirts. ties. shoes.

i. look. good.



yeah, kinda like that, but white. and without the gun.

i don't have near enough occasions to wear this stuff, mind you. i may start a trend at the dog-walk park. the gym on the weekend. the neighbors' house for dinner.

i'll be overdressed, but still. i'll look good.

running, man

actor portrayal; not the actual author.


yesterday was my birthday. i'm now 44.

today i went for my first run as a 44 year old. the results were decidedly mixed.

on the one hand, i trudged like a clydesdale. on the other, i did over four miles in 34 minutes, on a hilly course. and i didn't get hurt.

i can't complain.

along the way i asked myself why i continue to run, to work out, to play basketball. the first thing that popped into my head was, "so i can run with my son one day, when he's getting in shape for his sports."

that's partly true. but i also like feeling as though i could run from something dangerous if it were chasing me: a land shark, or a republican, or an angry toddler.

of course i'm also running from death, and damned if satchel paige wasn't right: every time i look over my shoulder, the grim reaper is gaining on me. relentless bastard. doesn't matter. i'm going to delay the inevitable as long as possible. when it arrives, i intend to insult it with rude comments about its wardrobe and personal grooming habits.

by the time my son (and then my daughter) is old enough to run a couple miles, i'll be at least 50. damn, fifty. it seems ancient...it's hard to imagine i could ever be so old. but being 44, and one day 50, beats the alternative.

hey, death, you need a flea bath. and that cloak looks ridiculous. something in pink plaid would be an upgrade, jaggazz.

see? death may be on his way, but he'll get no satisfaction from me.

we can't hear you, la la la la...

"shut up! shut up! we will not listen to any more of this! shut up, or i'm leaving!"



this is house judiciary chairman james sensenbrenner (r-wis).

despite the burly, manly demeanor of his photo, he's actually a dainty, fussy, mama's boy, prone to taking his microphone and going home. hard to believe, isn't it?

After repeated criticism of the Bush administration, the Republican chairman of the House Judiciary Committee yesterday gaveled a hearing to a close and walked out while Democrats continued to testify -- but with their microphones shut off.

C-SPAN2 continued televising the proceedings for six minutes after Sensenbrenner had departed, with lettering on the screen explaining the strange circumstances.

big jimmy, it seems, won't hear any criticism of the bush administration, nor brook any questioning of the "patriot act", no matter how relevant it may be. in this case, a hearing on the renewal of that act provided the relevance.

during the hearing, several republicans testified to the brilliance and necessity of curtailing the civil rights of americans. but when democrats attempted to provide couterpoint, sensenbrenner had a meltdown...

He urged witnesses to "wrap it up" and repeatedly told committee members that their time for questioning had expired.

"We ought to stick to the subject," the chairman scolded at the end. "The Patriot Act has nothing to do with Guantanamo Bay. The Patriot Act has nothing to do with enemy combatants. The Patriot Act has nothing to do with indefinite detentions."

"Will the gentleman yield?" Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) asked.

"No, I will not yield," replied Sensenbrenner, 61, the heir to a paper fortune who is known for a brusque insistence on decorum. He completed his reproof of the witnesses and left the Rayburn House Office Building hearing room amid a cacophony of protests from Democrats seeking to be recognized.

as noted by rep. debbie wasserman schultz (d-fla), the minority was allowed to call zero outside witnesses during the hearing.

decorum, it appears, is reserved for republicans in our government.

just sit there and look pretty, honey...

george w. bush thinks women make damn fine reporters.

as long as they don't ask any troublesome questions or write about anything but home ec.

that's probably why he doesn't call on women at press conferences. either that or he's a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

as an evangelical, he no doubt believes it's the man's role to be the head of the family, and the woman's role to be its heart. it's a woman reporter's role, therefore, to sit down and shut up while the president calls on another guy.

like biffo or goomba or hammy. one of the guys he's given goofy nicknames to. meanwhile, maureen dowd can't get a white house press pass.


bush demonstrates how he milks bulls in crawford, texas.

the real reason bush doesn't engage the female members of the media? he's afraid of his wife. first time he gets all cute and smarmy with one of them filly reporters, laura bush turns george into a gelding.

not that anyone would notice the difference.

man on edge

i am so screwed.

my wife is out of town this week, so i'm a temporary single parent. this was a challenge when i was at home, playing mr. mom. now that i'm working full-time on the other side of town, all the components of a modest cluster fuck are in place.

our child care situation is a badly knitted fabric of luck and catch-as-catch-can. snag one thread and the garment catches fire, emits toxic fumes, and splatters poop hibbity-gibbity.

all i need is a visit from the irony gods to make things really interesting.

a little perspective from brother stevie ray vaughan...

Caught up in a whirlwind, can't catch my breath.
Knee deep in hot water, broke out in cold sweat.
Can't catch a turtle, in this rat race.
Feels like I'm losing ground, at a breakneck pace.

Walkin' the tight rope, steppin on my friends
Walkin' the tight rope, was a shame and a sin.
Walkin' the tight rope, between wrong and right.
Walkin' the tight rope, both day and night.

here's some free advice: never taunt the irony gods. in fact, don't even try to get their attention. the irony gods like nothing better than to show off their mad irony skillz. who can blame them? they've had millennia to practice, and are proud of their work ethic. when they're not busy screwing around.

and i mean that in the nicest possible way.

deep breaths...

i'm okay...

p.s. i want my mommy!

the power of suggestion

watch the pretty coin of gold
and you will do as you are told
you are brave, and that's a fact
you will do the high wire act!



all across the country, neophyte neoclowns line up to share a stage with george bush. they appear anxious to mouth his engorged social security epistles, and regurgitate his most profoundly ignorant talking points.

despite the fact that most americans have dismissed bush and his eye-rolling, repetitive drivel, he continues to insist that social security is a crippled system that, if left alone, would be reduced to a 'group of filing cabinets with a bunch of IOUs in it.'

is it any wonder that most of the civilized world has turned on us? really, if americans are so easily duped by a band of self-serving, self-parodying assklowns, we're too much trouble to bother with.

gainful employment--redux

pursuant to the job i was pursuing...i caught it. or it caught me.

either way, the relationship got underway today, and it's causing me severe cognitive dissonance.

for years i've identified myself as a writer. "what do you do?" "i'm a writer." "oh, really?! how interesting!..." nice conversation starter.

now, however, i am a marketing director. that's what the business card says. marketing director at a clinical research organization. (you got problems? we got clinical trial medication.)



i like being a "writer" better. but after nearly a year out of an advertising agency and too few freelance gigs, it was clear that my self-descriptor had to change--or at least evolve.

p.s. did i mention there's a commute? frick, they're not paying me near enough.

mcclellan squeezed

it's always nice when slimy, squirming scott mcclellan gets put through the wringer. give the boy credit, though. he just learned the word 'protocol' and he's trying to work it into every stumbling sentence he utters.

Q I think there's a disconnect here because, I mean, yesterday you had more than 30,000 people who were evacuated, you had millions of people who were watching this on television, and there was a sense at some point -- it was a short window, a 15-minute window, but there was a sense of confusion among some on the streets. There was a sense of fear. And people are wondering was this not a moment for the President to exercise some leadership, some guidance during that period of time? Was this not a missed opportunity for the President to speak out and at least clarify what -- that he was informed, and what was taking place at that time? If not even during the 15-minute window, why not later in the day?

slimy scott mcclellan: The President did lead, and the President did that after September the 11th when we put the protocols in place to make sure that situations like this were addressed before it was too late. And that was the case -- that was the case in this situation. And in terms of during this time, this was a matter of minutes when this was occurring. And all the appropriate security personal and Homeland Security officials and others were acting to implement those protocols. And we commend all those that worked to follow those protocols and make sure that this situation was addressed. And it worked, in terms of the protocols.

got that? the president did lead. he led the bike ride he was on, all the way back to the candy store. and when he got there he sat down and read his favorite book, "my pet goat."



i like goats. and riding my bike!

the dark side

the head of hasbro’s u.s. toy division doesn’t know the first thing about children.

brian goldner gets paid a lot of money to market molded plastic to kids, but cannot possibly have any offspring of his own. according to goldner, the sale of star wars "sith" toys to young children does not send the message that "sith" is a movie for them to see.

"We sell a tremendous variety of toys for 'star wars,' and we sell different toys for different ages as well as for collectors," Goldner said. "I don't think anyone expects those children to be at the movie on opening day. The toys are a way to participate too, for the kids that won't be at the theater."

is brian really this dumb? probably not. more likely he’s just a liar, and not a very good one at that. feigning innocence in the face of such a whoriffic and obvious untruth isn’t clever. but given his position and salary, we probably shouldn’t expect him to be truthful about the mega-bucks that are about to roll in.

goldner: "sure, this movie is totally inappropriate for young kids, but george lucas spent a ton of money getting it made. we’re gonna drive the hell out of demand, and kids are gonna drive their parents nuts until they get into the theater.”

goldner prior to his role at hasbro:

neoclown welfare warfare

new york times editorialist david brooks waxes rhetorically:

Don't take people at their word. Don't listen to them when they tell you how to be virtuous.

They're faking it. They don't care about virtue, or you or the common good. They're just taking opportunistic potshots under the guise of sermonizing. They're just a bunch of hypocrites.

This little bit of moral philosophy is drawn from the political events of the past few years.

now, without looking, which political party is brooks describing?

if you said "republicans," you'd be forgiven, since they are the poster party of faux morality and vulgar opportunism (see "schiavo, terri"). brooks, a slurping, gargling suck-up of the worst kind, actually was describing democrats, and their "failure" to rescue the president from his social security crapwallow.

george will spews in as well, describing most effectively the republican vision of this program...

Whatever is done, or if nothing is done, to reform Social Security, it will be increasingly perceived as a welfare program, important primarily for the least self-sufficient minority.

so much for "the common good" envisioned by the founders, not to mention the party of compassionate conservatism.

then there's debra saunders, who apparently was out sick the day they taught journalism at j-school...

While 99 percent of Washington pols have been talking as if Americans have a sacred right to expect something for nothing, Bush backed a plan by a Democrat, lawyer and mutual-fund executive Robert Pozen, called "progressive indexing." Pozen's plan would maintain Social Security benefit increases for lower-income workers, while limiting increases for high-income and middle-income workers, by tying the growth in their benefits to a price index. The White House claims this plan would fix 70 percent of the system's projected shortfall.

Bush "definitely put his neck out and he deserves a lot of credit for offering a concrete suggestion for how to rein in benefits," said Zeeve. No lie.

is it any wonder that professional journalism is respected every bit as much as a good case of vaginal warts?

in those two paragraphs debra disgraces herself more often than in her entire career as a crack whore. something for nothing, debra? limiting increases? bush deserves credit?

once more: bush deserves credit for failing to produce anything resembling a plan to "fix" social security. that's because bush is not interested in "fixing" social security, he's trying to drive it over a cliff and blame the democrats for faulty steering.

in refusing to "save" bush and his non-plan, the democrats are doing exactly the right thing. the sooner middle class voters realize this president is stealing their futures so the richest 1% of americans can have lavish tax cuts, the sooner the neoclown circus will fold up and scurry out of town.

gainful employment

i'm poised on the brink of a new job.

this is somewhat surprising, since my last job was a less than fulfilling experience. more, it was demotivating, dispiriting, and disincentivizing.

to be accurate that was my penultimate job. my current gig is much more rewarding...but the pay sucks.

i'm a nanny for my children. back in the day this would have been referred to as "unemployment," and/or "parenting." today, however, i'm mr. mom. or nanny daddy. or some variation on that theme.

i insist.

but, due to economic variables, some of them out of my control, i'm poised, job-brink-wise. also, because my wife insists. something about being able to continue living in our house.

that got my attention, and was persuasive. i would not like to tell my children to go to their room if their room were a cardboard box.

so, i'm haggling with a healthcare company, with the end result ostensibly being a marketing position.

don't worry, though. my first priority will still be this lucrative blog stuff.

the better to screw with you, my dear...

how some people qualify as quoteworthy is beyond me.

take patrick ruffin...please.

the guy was webmaster for bush-cheney '04. not just a geek, mind you, but a neoclown geek. (not that i have anything against geeks.)

here's his take, quoted in the washington freaking post, on the intelligence of americans...

On lofty questions of policy, perhaps it isn't that the American people are for or against – but that they just don't care. Americans care more about Michael Jackson than judicial filibusters. They are more concerned with Paula Abdul than with the Pozen proposal for progressive indexing. And that is as it should be.

don't you just want to smack him upside his smarmy, smirking head?



what's really disgusting is that he's half-right: americans are more interested in wacko jacko and the runaway bride/freak and laura bush's observations of male horse anatomy.

and that is as it should be, patrick?

actually, that makes some sense, too. because the more americans are raptly fascinated with this kind of mind-shredding crap, the easier it is for devious little snots like you and your boss to eff up this country.

twitchy little twit...

white house insecurity

carol towarnicky is aghast. agape. agog.

she's the chief editorial writer at the philadelphia daily news, so she has some experience in discerning the newsworthiness of a story.

so why, carol wonders, has the mainstream media totally punted on james guckert, aka jeff gannon, the white house's favorite gay porn/escort shill?

IF A REPORTER who doubled as a gay hooker had visited the Clinton White House nearly 200 times, think it would have made the news? And if 39 of those White House visits were mysteriously unrelated to his "reporting" duties, imagine what innuendoes would be issuing forth from Planet Limbaugh. Imagine the organized phone call campaign demanding newspapers and TV stations report the story.

But Gannon/Guckert isn't being unveiled or innuendoed or even blipped on media radar screens, even among liberals.

if the post-9/11 fear factory, aka the white house, has an imposter running around within spitting distance of the president, why isn't that news? in the post-"moral values" election white house, did the secret service know a gay porn star was within kissing distance of the president?

the people who let this guy pass 196 times have some serious explaining to do, and so far they've refused to do so. and it's because the media is complicit in giving the story a pass.

so, either the "liberal media" is dead, or every white house correspondent is being paid from the ari fleischer memorial slush fund.

either way, towarnicky is right, and you've gotta wonder what kind of parties they're throwing at 1600...

repetitive motion

there's a point in ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" when people realize they're just going through the motions, doing what they're accustomed to doing, no matter how ludicrous it is. no one believes in the charade. but no one steps up and says, "hey, this is stupid."

are you living like this? one part of your brain is screaming, "hey, homer! you're acting like a circus monkey! cut it out." another part is saying, "don't listen to him, he's crazy. go back to your very special episode of 'blossom'."

(don't worry, it's a rhetorical question.)

which brings us to george bush's latest press conference.

reporter: mr. president, what about iraq?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about increased terror attacks?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about drilling in anwr?
george: we're making great progress.
reporter: mr. president, what about your dispicable lack of character, morals or brain cells?
george: we're making great progress.



oh, sorry. there was a point to the ayn rand reference, and it was this: soon thereafter, the whole u.s. social and business structure came crashing down, because it was built out of bullshit. kind of like the current u.s.