crazy is as crazy does...

could it be?

is it possible?

could michelle bachmann (R-unreality) be the next GOP nominee for president of the united states?

yes! she could! she really could!

she loves america so much, she'd like to see the country default on its debts, leading to global economic turmoil. iowa GOP straw poll voters loved her so much, they made her the straw poll queen in their recent straw poll vote.

but wait! could the nominee eventually be...rick perry? perry (R-schizophrenia) loves america so much, he'd like to secede from it! plus, rick is very pious. he uses his position as governor of texas as a prayer pulpit, leading the faithful in prayers for rain, and for the economy. he also prays for an end to healthcare reform and the environmental protection agency.

he could be the GOP nominee! he really could!

based on the recent debate in iowa, any number of really, um, interesting people could be the GOP nominee. it could be rick santorum (R-manondog), the former senator with a google problem and a host of other quirky-adorable views that endear him to the hard right.

it could be newt gingrich (R-annulment) and his marriages and affairs and messy divorce from a cancer-stricken wife. yes, it could!

could it be herman cain (R-incoherence), the fast-food financier? no, it could not. herman cain is an african-american. no matter how much money he's made, or how many fast-food pseudo-meals he's foisted on our unhealthy electorate, GOP primary voters will not make a black man the GOP nominee. no, they will not!

nor will it be tim pawlenty (R-narcolepsy). in a world where crazy is the coin of the realm, tim is entirely too placid. besides which, after a somnolent showing in iowa, the former governor quit the race. rarely do voters embrace a former governor who quits. unless her name is sarah palin. and tim, for all his quitting qualifications, is no sarah palin.

who are we forgetting? oh! mitt romney (R-youkidding)! well, to be fair, everyone forgets mitt romney. even mitt romney forgets mitt romney. there have been so many mitts over the past few years, it's hard to keep track of them all. GOP primary voters recently songified mitt's many morphs to the tune "which mitt are you?"

are you massachusetts mitt, creator of the state's beloved romneycare healthcare program? are you revenue romney, who badgered standard & poors to boost his state’s credit rating after raising taxes during an economic decline?

or are you anti-mitt, who disavows any knowledge of any other mitts, if in fact it can be proved they ever existed? that'd be the mitt who insists corporations are people too.

could this mitt or that mitt (or anyone named "mitt") be the next GOP nominee? or is the very idea too crazy? tsk, this is the GOP! nothing's too crazy!

but wait, isn't mitt a mormon? yes, yes he is.

okay, then no. GOP primary voters will not make a mormon the GOP nominee. but what if they did? rhetorical/tactical question: would mormon mitt consider making african-american herman cain his running mate? it would be an interesting approach to taking on barack obama, wouldn't it?

and it raises a corollary rhetorical/book of mormon question: if an irony tree falls in the woods, do the elders hear it?

we digress.

straw poll queen bachmann says wives should be submissive to their husbands. for example, she submissively became a tax attorney at her husband's insistence, and against her wishes.

questions about biblical patriarchy theology make her squirm, and not in a good way. which in turn raises interesting questions about roles if, say, she were president and rick perry were vice president.

bachmann: mr. vice president, i need you to go to new york for the ceremonial dissolution of the united nations.

perry: madame president, given the severe distress of our economy and the unprecedented heat wave broiling the midwest, i think it's important that i go to the heartland and lead a prayer festival and re-election fundraiser.

bachmann: but...

perry: madame president, remember, "submit yourself to your husband as you would to the lord..."

bachmann: but, you're not my husband.

perry: marcus and i were wrestling, um, with this subject just a few minutes ago, and he told me to tell you that you should go to new york. he and i will go to the heartland for the prayer thing.

bachmann: well...okay. i guess that'll work too.

so many candidates for hyperzealous right-wingers to love. how will they ever choose? what litmus test will suffice? previously it would've been the willingness to borrow trillions for war and torture and tax cuts. in jesus' name, of course.

now? if iowans are a barometer, it's a willingness to suspend disbelief and sidle up to the crazy like it's closing time at the 24-hour church salad bar.

which is to say...lettuce spray.

the nature of change

"the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in dillon
are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA
we will remember that there is something happening in america
that we are not as divided as our politics suggest
that we are one people
we are one nation
and together we will begin the next great chapter in america's story
with three words
that will ring from coast to coast
from sea to shining sea
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can..."

the song still inspires.

even now, and even after the candidate who would change everything has mostly changed our expectations by lowering them.

during the soul-on-fire days of 2008, everything was possible--and expected. because the man doing the campaigning (and those who supported him) demanded it.

in 2008, millions of people voted for more than just change--they demanded a reckoning. an exorcism of the bush demon and the damage done to a nation.

two years later millions of those same people voted for a change back to bush-brand lunacy. dozens of newly elected democrats were replaced by even newer right-wing zealots. which caused much cognitive dissonance and many questions about the intelligence of american voters.

and the president who would change everything changed as well...into a moderate
republican. snapping heads back like a right-of-center cross to the jaw.

"yes we can heal this nation. yes we can repair this world." ~~barack obama


we believed it, in 2008. we believed we could wrest the control of our destiny from those who would violate our inviolable principles. those who advocated and implemented fear and torture and unnecessary war. not to mention economic seppuku.

but a mere 24 months later we veered away from rationality and back toward darkness. since then there's been little healing, less repair, and much self-destruction.

as standard and poors put it in downgrading america's credit rating:

"The political brinksmanship of recent months highlights what we see as America's governance and policymaking becoming less stable, less effective, and less predictable than what we previously believed."

shorter standard and poors:

"america can no longer be trusted to do the right thing--or the smart thing."

as it turns out, we are actually more divided than our politics suggest. we are no longer one people, or one nation.

"nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change." ~~barack obama


this is true. and when those voices call for a weakened president undermined by timid democrats, tea party radicals, and economic hostage-takers? we get the government we deserve and the instability we set in motion.

"we have been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope...but in the unlikely story that is america, there has never been anything false about hope."


candidate obama never hit a false note. his campaign messaging was exactly what a dispirited, disillusioned nation needed to begin believing, once again, in its better angels.

president obama, in contrast, has fallen well short of the promise and the promises. instead of a reckoning, there's been incremental wreckage. instead of exorcism there's been exasperation.

it's as if the president, once elected, forgot (or blithely discarded) the electricity that swept him into office. instead of rising to the voters' mandate, he receded to opposition punching bag. not surprisingly, the hope and dreams and yes-we-can followed.

given the derangement on the right (and the bipolar nature of the electorate), it's possible that reason will re-assert itself in 2012. it's possible that a second-term obama will rediscover his savvy and his stride.

but "change we can believe in" is no longer an option, for the nation or this president.

what's required now is action we can count on.

for our next magical trick...

we sold our house.

and sitting here this moment, we officially have no place to go.

the situation not *quite* dire. yet. i mean, we do have until aug. 21 to relocate our stuff. a rental house, perhaps, somewhere nearby.

or a really big storage locker.

but still...holy sh*t. we sold our house.

after six days on the market and a breathtaking rush of traffic, we ginned up three competing offers. all for full asking price and one for a wee bit more.

(note: we took the highest offer~we're going to spend the extra 50 bucks on a bottle of wine or two. or four.)

we weren't expecting this. if that's not already obvious.

background: mrs. spaceneedl never liked this house. she routinely ruminated on its shortcomings, even as she transformed it into a thing of beauty. during our seven years here, rare was the day when some update, upgrade, or upheaval wasn't underway. and honestly, it was a pain in the ass.

the metamorphosis was tedious and debilitating and costly. also, totally worth it. i would be remiss not to acknowledge the sweep and nuance of her vision. particularly now that it's been completely validated by the quick sale and the lavish praise of nearly everyone who toured the place.

well done, wife.

that said... holy sh*t. we sold our house.

and we have to find someplace new to live, ASAP. someplace that'll accommodate four people, three dogs, a geriatric cat, and a hamster. not to mention an unusual amount of accumulated stuff.

how hard could that be?

~~~~~~~~

update: we found a place to go. it's about a hundred yards kitty-corner thataway (pointing northeast). a nice house that our nice neighbor was kind enough to offer up since she's getting married, and her fiance has an even nicer place.

as a result, we don't have to entertain new neighbors, the children don't have to leave their friends, and the dogs don't have to trek thousands of miles to track us down after we move, accidently leaving them behind.

so, several problems solved all at once.

on a related note, the new place is slightly smaller than the old place. we need to host a garage sale, stat. not everything must go. but the stuff that must go can't stay.

anybody wanna buy a hamster?

the almost exorcism

every time i think about it, it makes me ill.

maybe if i tell you about it, this gut-punch reaction will go away.

back in the day (make that way back in the day) on a warm summer afternoon, a friend of mine drove up in a new car. it wasn't new-new, of course. our parents didn't have that kind of money.

but it was new to him, and more importantly it was a set of wheels, which was pretty damn cool no matter how not-new it was.

i no longer remember what kind of car it was. if i had to bet, i'd say it was a 1969 chevy impala. yellow, with a black hardtop, and black vinyl seats.

but, you know, that's a guess.

the car wasn't in perfect shape. it needed some body work and some paint and four new tires. it eventually got the paint. didn't matter. my friend (we'll call him "tyrone," even though that wasn't his name, and i've never had a friend named "tyrone") was fired up about his new ride. teenage independence, and all that.

so here was tyrone, in front of my parents' house, showing off his car. we walked around it, we sat in it, we cranked up the AM radio. eventually tyrone popped open the hood so we could peer in at the engine, which looked like it had been power washed. which it probably had.

full disclosure: i'm not a car guy. never have been. i subscribe to donald sutherland's philosophy about tanks in kelly's heroes; "oh man, i only ride 'em, i don't know what makes 'em work." (his character's name was "oddball," if you appreciate the irony of such things.)

my ignorance, however, doesn't explain away what happened next, or why it's haunted me all these years. did i say it makes me ill? it really does.

tyrone was investigating something low on the car's grill, a ding or some other minor flaw that no one else would ever notice. his hand, supporting his weight, was above the grill, his fingers gripping the edge of the frame.

at that point i think i may have said something like, "are we done here?" and i think he may have said yes. so i pulled the the hood down.

heavy, spring-loaded, the hood dropped like a detroit guillotine. microseconds before it sliced through his fingers, tyrone blithely moved his hand off the car.

he wasn't even aware the hood was in motion...it was blind, preposterous luck that his avulsed fingers weren't at that moment twitching atop the engine block.

i don't really remember any more details of that afternoon. i'm sure i had a shocked look on my face, and i'm sure tyrone was equal parts relieved and annoyed. outraged, maybe. like, "what are you, fucking stupid?!?"

can't say i'd blame him. but at the end of the day...nothing really happened. and since that's true, i'd guess tyrone has long-forgotten about the whole thing.

me, i still think about it. not often...but when i do, it's as if his fingers actually had been lopped off. i get the same sick, shuddering feeling, all over again.

i think it's because i did something really stupid, something with disastrous consequences for someone else. the fact that they were almost-consequences is completely irrelevant.

when i started this little exercise, it was in hopes that i could purge the memory of that day, and never have to think of it again. second-best would be not to have to deal with the lousy feeling in my gut every time it pops back into my head.

but now i'm thinking something else. now i'm thinking maybe tyrone and his not-lopped fingers are a great reminder to wake up, pay attention, and always be vigilant about what i'm doing.

and the fact that i get this reminder without anyone actually having been hurt is a ridiculously generous gift from the cosmos. or, you know, whomever.

now that i've told you about it, i hope it doesn't go away.

having said that, i still advise caution if you drive over one day to show me your new car.

you can't be too careful.

fabulous free advice, worth every nickel...

her sensual and easy motion
seems impossible to chart
in a world that needs more dancing
she's still a hula girl at heart.

--jimmy buffett

free advice...

when your wife is having an argument with herself, don't get involved.

this may be difficult, since in your role as a caring and concerned life-partner you'll likely want to help, or at least referee, as the discussion heats up.

big mistake.

because at some point you'll be compelled to pick a side (say, the side of "logic")...and that's when you lose. even though it wasn't your argument to begin with.

as it turns out, logic isn't necessarily useful (or welcome) in cases of conflicting emotions and contradictory conclusions. input that might, under different circumstances, be perfectly reasonable or obvious, may now be misinterpreted and mischaracterized. this invariably leads to said advice being tragically underappreciated. or ignored. or used against you later.

pithy observation...

as has been documented countless times in clinical studies and romance literature, women most often don't want the man to solve the problem for them. they just want the man to listen, and to empathize as appropriate. men, however, are hard-wired to help, to solve the problem as efficiently as possible (so as to more quickly move on to the sex).

this dynamic is brilliantly described in the underrated movie "white men can't jump." (note: dialogue paraphrased)

she: honey, i'm thirsty.
he: (gets out of bed, leaves room, brings back glass of water) here you go, honey.
she: why did you bring me a glass of water? did i ask you to bring me a glass of water?
he: you just said you were thirsty...
she: when i said i was thirsty, that didn't mean i wanted you to get me a glass of water. it meant i wanted you share the experience of being thirsty with me. it meant i wanted you to understand my dry-mouthedness.

at that moment, woody harrelson's character becomes angry and confused. he doesn't yet understand a woman's innate need for empathy; he only knows there's a problem to solve, and he leaps up to solve it. the poor bastard. in doing so, he demonstrates he lacks the sensitivity and depth of soul necessary to sustain a meaningful relationship with a fabulously intricately spontaneously complex woman.

to his credit, he later goes on to write a poignant song about sharing the dry-mouthedness experience, which wins back his lover's heart. temporarily.

history lessons...

there are plenty of things every guy just knows how to do. okay, a handful of things. okay, come to think of it, there might not be any. case in point: you'd think that over the millennia we would have learned something intrinsically and persistently true about the most important half of our species. other than their relentless and often-spectacular splendidness.

but generation after generation, instead of learning from our collective experience, men stagger around executing the same pratfalls over and over again. instead of handing down hard-won (and useful) knowledge, we pass along disinformation and bewilderment.

and still, to this day we can't imagine why our cheerful offers of help are not-so-in-demand. i mean, aside from a history of uniquely male behavior like misogyny and institutionalized oppression and war and other activities not compatible with life, what's not to love?

"darlin', stand back and let a man handle this [________] business. you just sit there and look pretty."

breaking news...

we're different. just as women are generally predisposed to nurture and sustain and cultivate, men are hard-wired to ejaculate. from words to weapons to wetness, we just~~plahhh~~all over everything. nothing any of us can do about it, really. it's a biological imperative writ large in crayon letters. if we were smart, we'd stand aside and let the women take charge (michelle bachmann and sarah palin excepted).

but as history demonstrates...we're not that smart.

which brings us full circle.

if i were smart, i wouldn't have insinuated myself into my wife's existential dilemma. i wouldn't have seen her plaint as a problem for me to solve. i would have maintained eye contact, nodded at the appropriate times, offered a hug now and then, and kept my mouth shut.

except to say, "dear, i trust you to follow your instincts and make the right decision. do what you think is best. meanwhile, i'll just sit here and look pretty."

after zat, zen what?

"now, my girl quickly said to me
man you better watch your feet
lava come down soft and hot
you better love-a me now or love-a me not
let me say now, i don't know, i don't know
i don't know where i'm a-gonna go
when the volcano blows..."

~~jimmy buffett

the missus and i are unaware of any current volcanic activity on oahu.

unless you count the prospect of our heads exploding.

whatever we lack in zen and sigh and ommm, we make up for in steady pent-up stress.

which means we fit in perfectly with the rest of the mainlanders as they arrive in the islands.

you've seen them. you recognize the signs. the pinched mouth, the crease between the eyebrows, the shoulders drawn up like a crooked shade. that's how they get off the plane, fresh from their corporate cube farms. cringing, squinting, shading their eyes, as if they're emerging from a submarine or a root cellar or the set of "pot zombies."

and yet within hours, no matter how severe the symptoms, the process of recovery begins. one early morning walk on the beach and the tension in the neck eases. one dive into the waves, and a layer of angst washes away. one sunset something-with-rum at a barefoot beach bar elicits a spontaneous little smile and a deeply satisfied sigh that feels like the first breath after several months underwater.

in the days that follow, pieces of negative karma and dark aura and bad attitude fall off, leaving behind something fresh and clean and healthy. relatively speaking.

not coincidently, little epiphanies start happening about the same time, rolling in like gentle surf, mixed in with the occasional rogue wave to make sure you're paying attention.

"constant cold and overcast is not mandatory."

"maybe there is such a thing as a healthy tan."

"people actually live like this."

"tick tick tick tick tick..."

full disclosure: i have no idea if other mainlanders share this experience. it's quite possible they find this kind of overanalysis completely unnecessary.

what i do know is that the water is warm and blue, and the sun is shining. the missus and i are slathered up with sunscreen, and there are a couple stand-up paddle boards down there with our names on them.

less talk. more ahhhh.....

~~~~~~~~~~~

update: paddle surfing is not as easy as it looks.

watching from shore you say, "stand up, paddle, repeat. when a wave comes, paddle faster in the direction of the wave. how hard can that be?"

tsk. i am so dumb.

at least one layer of something has been efficiently exfoliated. shoulda worn my rash guard...

china syndrome

according to some web site, a 20th wedding anniversary is the china anniversary.

not to be confused with the silver, pearl, or ruby anniversaries, which imply significantly more commitment, time-wise and gift-wise.

no, it's china. symbolizing "...the beautiful, elegant, and delicate nature of 20 years of love."

sure, okay. you could make a case for that. you might also make the case that once it's unwrapped, you put the china away and never use it again, leading to dust and decline...and what fun is that?

regardless, in hewing to this fascinating wedding tradition, the missus and i will commemorate our 20th anniversary with a fabulous trip to...

...not china.

because we didn't really have the time or the inclination to go to china. and we're not slaves to tradition at our house. plus, have you seen airfares recently? china is really far away, which means it's probably really expensive to fly there. which i'm sure we would've discovered, had we bothered to look into it.

we had just a couple mandatories for our momentous occasion: it had to cost somewhat less than a second home on montserrat, and it had to be warm.

we entertained monterey and santa barbara and san diego. vancouver island and banff and the okanagan valley. italy, france, spain. cabo.

long story short, and for various reasons, we decided no, no, no, no, no, no and no. and not likely.

not saying they're not all fabulous options. not saying we wouldn't love to visit all of them at some point. just saying too boring, too cold, too much, and are you kidding? $1700 to fly to cabo? in the middle of summer? what's spanish for "don't be ridiculous"?

so, after much ado...aloha, y'all.

we'll be watching july 4 fireworks from duke's barefoot bar on waikiki beach.

they don't do china at duke's. they do surfboards and mai-tais. and they do them very well.

that'll do for us.

just fine.

extinction distinction

let's pretend.

let's pretend your house is on fire, and there are pets and children inside.

that's some serious shit, right? i mean, this is not the time to debate the size of the fire and who started it and what to do next.

you drop what you're doing, wade in, save the kids and the animals, and put out the damn fire. right?

are there other options i'm not aware of? is there another decision tree that makes more sense? if there is, now is a real good time to share it.

because the house is on fire, and wouldn't you know it? we're all inside.

it seems that climate change, pollution, and over-predation by humans is about to trigger an "unprecedented mass extinction event" in our oceans.

according to a report by people who don't find science to be too "sciency," countless marine species are disappearing at a much faster rate than the watered-down, politicized predictions previously estimated.

Overfishing, pollution, run-off of fertilisers from farming and the acidification of the seas caused by increasing carbon dioxide emissions were combining to put marine creatures in extreme danger, according to the report from the International Programme on the State of the Ocean, prepared at the first international workshop to consider all of the cumulative stresses affecting the oceans at Oxford.

The international panel of marine experts said there was a "high risk of entering a phase of extinction of marine species unprecedented in human history."

well. that's kind of alarming, isn't it? because if you follow the mass extinction on up the food chain, where do you suppose it leads? to the children and animals in the burning house, if you'll pardon the mixed metaphor and the abstractified analogy.

so, where is the alarm? where is the immediate response to this imminent disaster?

why, silly, it's nowhere, of course! rather than save anyone, let alone put out the fire, we're arguing about the existence of fire, and whether it has any negative side effects if, in fact, it were determined to exist. this is thanks to a huge, years-long campaign of disinformation by the lovely folks who started the fire, and profit greatly from the flames. hi exxon! hi bp! hi u.s. energy policy!

this campaign is helped along by politicians whose lips are so fastened to the ass of energy-producing corporations that helping the people in the house will never come to a vote, let alone actually happen. hi rick santorum, gop presidential hopeful!

never mind the volumes of peer-reviewed research documenting the effects of pouring billions of tons of greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. or the fact that sea levels are rising faster than at any time in more than 2100 years.

nonono. none of those studies were sponsored by big oil, so therefore they must be discounted as the work of crazy environmentalists who only want to...only want to...wait, what is it the crazy environmentalists want?

oh yeah, they want to put out the fire. rescue the living creatures. maybe prevent future fires.

real subversive stuff like that.

but when there's lots of money involved, you get a certain sort of people saying, "environmentalists are evil and crazy and un-american! they want to take away your 56-inch TVs and your football games and your gas-gargling SUVs! don't mind the screams coming from that house...they'll stop real soon."

similarly, never mind the millions of dying fish washing up on shores all over the world. don't worry about the thousands of dead birds falling out of the skies. ignore the texas-size island o'trash meandering about the pacific ocean.

but the politicians and low-information voters flopping all over themselves denying the existence of fire and other sciency stuff? take their word for it. because if it ain't in their version of the bible or the constitution, then shirley it doesn't exist.

~~~~~~~~

meanwhile, and almost certainly coincidentally...


Two unusual dolphins that have never been seen in the state have been spotted cruising in waters near Olympia.

The long-beaked common dolphins were spotted off Boston Harbor, near Olympia, said Annie Douglas, a biologist with the Cascadia Research Collective in Olympia, a marine-mammal research group.

Douglas doesn't know what prompted the dolphins to cruise so far from home. She said it might have to do with water temperature or storms. "It's one of those things that's hard to say right now," she said.

"These are animals who aren't normally here and their chances aren't very good," she said.

ephemeral milestones in an existential world

ELIZABETH
If you believe it, darling, then I
believe. Being young can be just
as confusing as being old. The
things that happened to me fifty
years ago are more on my mind than
what happened yesterday.

PEGGY
But I'm remembering the future.

ELIZABETH
Right now you're just browsing
through time. Choose the things
you'll be proud of. The things that
last.

this bit of quality writing from 'peggy sue got married' always gets me. it demands that i imagine similar conversations with loved ones who went before me, and those who might follow. what priceless advice would they give? and would i have anything useful to offer?

the premise is deeply moving. moreso recently, given my proximity to what some people consider a significant personal milestone. i'm not sure how significant it is, but it'd probably be unwise not to consider the prospect.

unless you're really determined, you can't help but learn a few things in 50 trips around the sun. and while my library of wisdom is pitifully limited, i have retained a handful of things...

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

people are mirrors. have you noticed? they tend to treat you exactly the way you treat them.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

all women are beautiful...even if it's not immediately obvious. you can sometimes see it in a shy smile, or an arched eyebrow. or the clever, subtle things that elicit a laugh. or the closed eyes and slow-swaying to a smoky blues tune. or the quiet strength and poise summoned when things go sideways. regardless of her looks, that beauty is always there.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

it's better to participate than spectate. but the longer you participate, the more likely you'll be injured, forcing you to become a spectator. excessive spectating, however, invariably leads to increased morbidity and early mortality. either way, no one gets out alive.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

god doesn't hate fags. so she's not thrilled with the westboro baptist church. coincidently, the westboro baptists apparently will visit their vitriol on seattle's mars hill church...causing god to sigh and roll her eyes.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

the aarp REALLY needs to stop sending me membership offers.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

don't rush through today. it'll be over soon enough, and who knows how many more there'll be? (plus, rushing around quite often is correlated with crashing into things.)

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

whether you're the windshield or the bug, there's still a mess to clean up.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

rioting in vancouver, bc, is like civil unrest at disneyland. nookie in the middle of the road in vancouver, however, is just kinda riotous.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

missing three yoga classes in a row is similar to saying "beetlejuice" three times fast. bad things ensue. today was just such a day.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

pepsi or coke? mcdonald's or kfc? halo or call of duty? what are you, kidding? none of the above. geez.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

"An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in a person's life. Usually, it provokes introspection about personal mortality, thus revealing the psychological repression of said awareness."

i don't know what this means, but it doesn't sound good. better to avoid that kind of awareness altogether.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

yes, i will have some more wine, thanks.

the only constant

change is good.

it may take years to recognize it as such, exacting a shocking toll along the way, and leaving people looking like they've peered through the very gates of hell.

but the premise was "change is good," not "change is easy."

we're such silly creatures of habit. we love our routines, and we fight like honey badgers to preserve them. even when they're not particularly good for us.

we drink, we smoke, we send ill-advised photos of ourselves on the internet. not because it's smart (hi, congressman weiner!), but because we derive comfort and a false sense of control from the rituals.

and since the entire world is out of our control, sometimes we get a little nutty trying to establish order in our little corner of it. we call it "being organized," or "keeping a schedule," or "obsessive-compulsive disorder."

if we stray from our morning rituals, for example, bad things happen. we lose our car keys. or neglect to put on our makeup. or forget to drink our morning coffee, causing an extreme bout of lethargy, headache, and irritability, also known as caffeine withdrawl. and throughout the day we think maybe we're coming down with the flu or having a stroke or experiencing demonic possession.

and just as we're about to slog home, hoping not to fall into a catatonic state on the way, we remember, "no coffee today! have i lost my mind? no wonder i've felt like such utter crap for the last ten hours!"

file that under, "change is not easy, but it will help you view life in inaccurate and drama queenish ways."

when we're young, we slip in and out of routines like jeans that actually fit without saying "loose fit" on the tag. change is no big deal, because our brains are still adept at processing new information without insisting it conform to our world view. we see gays getting married and we say, "cool, people should be able to marry the person they love." and we know this is true in the same way we know the universe is continuously evolving, sliding into and out of itself, vibrating with a constant thrum of cosmic ethereal rhythmic velvet. it just is.

when we get older, however, routines become habits, and habits become health risks. our ability to dodge conventional wisdom loses a step, then two, and the next thing you know we're doing a slow, insensate waltz in the cold, rigid arms of dogma. we hear people say, "healthcare is bad," and we say, "yes, healthcare is bad, we should keep it from as many people as possible." we know this is untrue, because it feels false and contrary to every impulse we know, and yet we find ourselves locked into it without really understanding why.

file that under, "change is good because it keeps you dancing fast."

metamorphosis is inevitable. the really smart ones among us constantly reinvent themselves to stay ahead of it, surfing on the aeonian waves. the rest of us typically stand there in the surf, sometimes rising up with the surge, sometimes getting slammed into the sand.

if we're resilient (according to the japanese proverb), we get knocked down seven times and get up eight.

if not, well then we're seaweed.

file that under, "never turn your back on the ocean."

time, flying...

--"There is no end zone. You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance. Never. It never ends."
--jason robards in (and on) parenthood

there's a teenager in this house.

still waiting for the sitcom hilarity to ensue. will settle for the occasional laugh track.

how is it possible? what happened to the time between the day he was born and the day he said, "i want to go bungee jumping for my birthday."

it passed in the blink of an eye.

sitting here, looking at thirteen years' worth of photos, it occurs to me...i want a do-over.

very early on (once the shock wore off and we realized we had a healthy child) we said, "now we just need to keep from screwing him up." he was perfect at that moment, see, and any imperfections would obviously be our responsibility.

we didn't do such a great job. and by "we" i mean "me."

have you heard the really good advice, "don't say anything you can't take back"? i've said things to this child that i'd love to take back. angry things that absolutely did not accomplish what was intended. somehow, despite knowing better, i've managed to reinforce negative behaviors, and undermine positive ones. i've used "parenting" tactics that i said i'd never use. almost always in anger.

i'd like to go back and erase all of them, one by one, and the hurt they caused both of us.

we went through a long period when this child would not sleep through the night. we walked through many (many) long days in a sleep-deprived fog, and i remember thinking i'd give anything to be past those days, because surely they couldn't go on forever.

they couldn't, of course, and they didn't. and sitting here right now i'd give almost anything to be back in the midst of them. because so much was still ahead, and so many of my missteps could still be avoided.

the scary thing is, as much as we've learned, and as hard as we try, there are as many (if not more) mistakes still to be made. and whatever difficulties are ahead promise to be more complex with bigger implications.

i'd very much like to spare him my continued foibles, as dealing with his own will trouble him enough. but, short of putting myself in stasis for a few years, i can't do that. and one day, further on, i'll be sitting here thinking, "wow, did i ever screw that up...and the worst part is, i knew better."

it's as inevitable and predictable and maddening as the ticking of a clock in a quiet room.

so, for my son's thirteenth birthday, i offer:

an apology--for the mistakes i've made and the ones i'm going to make
a promise to try to do better
a really cool dive watch
and a bungee jumping experience

it's not enough. but it's all i've got.

body of evidence

marilyn monroe did a night shoot in a pool
posing naked for a playboy spread
she was old, but she still was cool

when they wrapped right after midnight
and the crew went to the bar
norma jean just did the backstroke
like she was reachin' for a falling star

beautiful swimmers know how to move
floatin' cross the water like a steel guitar
beautiful swimmers stay in the groove
riding constant currents near and far

--jimmy buffett

reports of my imminent demise are premature.

after a thorough (cough) physical today, it turns out i'm not (quite) as
unhealthy as it appeared last week.

during last week's routine doctor visit, my blood glucose was "pre-diabetic." today it was in the normal range.

last week, my cholesterol numbers were too low, too high, and too bad. today a fasting blood draw suggested less atherosclerotic levels. (this is the difference between a "fasting" blood draw and a post-bacchanalia draw.)

last week the scale said my weight was at an all-time high. we're talking morbidly obese. prompting me to elevate my blubber threat level to fat-con 5. today the same scale said i was 11 pounds less. no, i did not lose 11 pounds in a week.

so, was the discrepancy human error, or a message from the cosmos?

i'm taking it as the latter. which is to say, it's time for some behavior modification and bacchanalia moderation.

summer swimsuit season is just a couple months away, after all.

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mayday...mayday...

may. it's the first half of mayhem.

very apt.

* * * * * *

we're only halfway through this month-gone-maywire, and there's no sign the remaining days will be any less annoying.

three people are recently gone at spaceneedl sprockets, with a fourth soon to join them.

this is in addition to two regulars going out on maternity leave, and two
contractors in to replace them. plus a new copywriter.

all this churn has caused considerable stress, turmoil, and other nonproductive activity in our midst. no one likes this. we're creatures of habit. when life changes our routine, we get twitchy. and cranky.

until the changes are assimilated. then we resume our regularly scheduled
twitchy crankiness.

* * * * * *

yesterday the boy child came home from school with a knife. he did not leave for school with a knife. but sometime during the day he acquired one. i found this to be cause for alarm. missus spaceneedl was more calm.

i took umbrage at her calmness. a disagreement ensued.

it's possible i reacted with more fervor than was warranted. i know this because i apologized to the missus this morning. i apologized to the boy this afternoon.

still, i was startled and a little scared by the random appearance of a weapon in our house. i'm not a fan of the weapons. especially when they're carried by people. bad things often result.

* * * * * *

i had a physical last week. turns out my cholesterol is elevated, and my blood sugar is out of whack. oh, and i'm 20 pounds heavier than i thought i was. this despite the fact that i exercise vigorously 5-6 times a week. basketball, strength training, yoga.

sneaky health-related surprises make me twitchy. and cranky.

on the upside, my prostate is healthy.

* * * * * *
i just saw an exxon-mobil tv spot pimping the company's oil sands projects in canada. the spokesperson insisted that squeezing oil from the earth by creating a cascading environmental disaster was something to be very pleased about. he said it with a straight face, too, the poor bastard.

for the record, development of oil sands is an abomination.

Environmental Defence just released a new report on the Alberta Oil Sands, calling it the most destructive project on Earth. DeSmogblog gleaned some facts from it:

-Oil sands mining is licensed to use twice the amount of fresh water that the entire city of Calgary uses in a year.
-At least 90% of the fresh water used in the oil sands ends up in ends up in tailing ponds so toxic that propane cannons are used to keep ducks from landing.
-Processing the oil sands uses enough natural gas in a day to heat 3 million homes.
-The toxic tailing ponds are considered one of the largest human-made structures in the world.
-The ponds span 50 square kilometers and can be seen from space.
-Producing a barrel of oil from the oil sands produces three times more
greenhouse gas emissions than a barrel of conventional oil.

aside from these facts, the whole oil sands thing seems like a swell idea. that and building nuclear reactors in earthquake zones. my suggestion: build a nuclear plant adjacent to the athabasca project...and then detonate it. it'll save lots of time and effort.

* * * * * *

it took until may 20 to finally reach 70F in seattle. may 20. that's, like, halfway through the year. to barely scratch a tolerably temperature.

just in time for the rapture.

meanwhile, today we're back to rain and 55.

* * * * * *

my starbucks card ran out of money this morning. i was required to reload it.

* * * * * *

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state of equilibrium

live blogging from the washington state level 4 gymnastics meet...

this is not quite on par with documenting the revolutions in the middle east, or the olympic games...but for dozens of 10-year old girls (and their parents), it's close.


four events: vault, bars, beam, floor. four chances at glory. or glorious failure. nothing in between.

for the parents, that is. the competitors remain happy, either way.

the falcons gymnastics team from seattle is looking serious in their purple and lavender leotards. the girls have on their game faces, if by "game face" we mean giggly smiles.

it took a good showing at the sectionals meet to qualify for state. gymnasts had to average scores of 8 or better on each event. the girl child was thrilled to tally a 33.8 to qualify. today, however, she says she's shooting for 9s. which is what it will take to be competitive, scoring-wise. not to mention parent-wise. no, the missus and i will be thrilled with any performance not resembling a fish flopping around on a small boat in high seas. also, we'd prefer that her head not make contact with the beam at any time.

the falcons first event: floor. avery is pretty good in this event. she scored a solid 8.65 at sectionals.

random observation: she's built like a gymnast. while a lot of the girls are still skinny and lanky, avery is muscular and powerful. also, fearless.

the first three falcons went 8.65, 8.6, 8.75.

avery's turn...looking cute. looking strong. no nerves (except mine, shaking the video slightly). good routine, with a little extra hop-step on the back handspring. good for an 8.675. big smiles as she runs off the floor. she's happy. i'm relieved.

event number two: vault. in which the athlete runs really fast, launches off a springboard, does a front somersault-handspring-thing and lands flat on her back on a big cushy mat. the girl is good at this, too. she scored an 8.9 at sectionals, so a 9+ here is not far-fetched.

the girls get two chances on vault, and they count the best of the two.

avery with two good vaults. she ran fast and back-flopped well. good enough for a 9.1 !! that's her first score of 9 or better. she picked a good time for it. normal breathing (mine) should resume momentarily.

this event is being held at the emerald city gymnastics center in bellevue. they have a "wizard of oz" theme going on, i believe. otherwise the chick wearing sparkly red shoes and the dorothy costume is going to have some explaining to do to security.

next up: bars. the girl is not as proficient at this event. she scored a shaky 8.5 here at sectionals. she typically practices and warms up well, but has a hiccup or two when it counts. today's warm-up: not encouraging. much under-rotating, over-rotating, and upside-down hanging. this is not what her coaches teach, in case you were wondering.

ooh, not good. practice predicted performance. a big error on the forward spin left her hanging upside-down when she should've been right-side up, atop the bar. this is a shame, because the rest of the routine, before and after, was rock-solid. she pulled it together to stick the landing. (i love that phrase..."she sticks the landing!" it always reminds me of little kerri strug on vault at the olympics. one of the most courageous moments in athletics, ever).

the error showed in her score: 8.3.

all that's left is beam. i don't feel good about this, as it's her shakiest event. she wobbled like a weeble throughout her sectionals performance~actually putting her hand on the beam at one point~and still pulled an 8.025 out of somewhere.

hopefully she feels better about this than i do, since that's all that really matters.

lots of teams and lots of girls here today. usually organization is lacking at these meets, causing the proceedings to drag on and on. and on. so far, however, the events are moving right along. this is good. my butt is starting to hurt from the sitting and complete lack of leg room.

the falcons are taking a break between events. they're on the opposite side of the gym, making it difficult to overhear their conversation. doubtless they're all locked into what they've accomplished so far, and what they need to do to finish strong. let's move closer and listen in...

bla bla bla, something something, justin bieber.

great. no one could've predicted that.

okay, break is over. the girls are up and practicing on beam. the girl
looks...like a weeble. she's falling off over and over again. this does not bode well. what's happening now? the girls are sitting down again. another break? bla bla bla, taylor swift.

okay, it's go time.

and the first falcon gymnast is off the beam. poor thing. she looked really nervous.

now it's avery's turn. i can't breathe. i can barely look. thankfully i'm
viewing her from across the gym through a teeny video lens, so it all seems far and wee. one little wobble. another little wobble. almost through it...no falls! and she sticks the landing! what just happened here? that was one of her best performances on beam ever!

and the judge screws it up. an 8.225? really? that ain't right.

but it doesn't matter. it was a great routine. she didn't fall off, and she finished with a flourish.

for the meet, she scored a full half-point higher than at sectionals, with a 34.3. and she came away with a cool new sweatshirt with her name on the back. on the front it says, "i bust mine to kick yours."

she's very pleased.

and we are giddy.

i would've liked one of those sweatshirts, though...



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the bell tolls

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --george w. bush, 3/13/02

it says here that osama bin laden is dead.

killed in a raid by u.s. navy seals and cia operatives.

americans loudly celebrated bin laden's demise, in much the same way we celebrate super bowls and other entertainment events. we do love our happy endings, don't we?

you can make the case that a dead bin laden is better than a live bin laden (or a zombie bin laden, as the case may be). the bush administration might disagree, as george and dick found that particular boogie man useful for years--much to bushcorp's benefit, and much to america's detriment.

finding and dispatching bin laden was obviously more important to barack obama. but while bin laden may be dead, you can also make the case that he and his terrorists won the last ten years, handily.

do you believe this? do you feel the truth of it, without reading a list of the reasons why?

what bin laden orchestrated was bad, hideous. but in the aftermath, what we did to ourselves and others was worse. let's count (some of) the ways...

two futile, unnecessary wars featuring tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) dead and countless more permanently altered. if you prefer your costs in dollars, that's $5 trillion and counting.

torture. rendition.

secret prisons. abu ghraib. guantanamo bay.

a ravaged treasury and a broken economy.

freedoms casually set aside in the land of the free.

a climate of fear intentionally cultivated in the home of the brave.

the "patriot" act.

"homeland security." warrantless surveillance. the rise, not of the nanny state on the left, but of the security state on the right. (add another $1 trillion.)

are these examples enough? there are more, you know. we could go on and on. the obvious takeaway is that in the fight against freedom, we did bin laden's work for him.

historically, america has fancied itself the "shining city on the hill," lighting the way for the rest of the world by our noble example. sadly, we self-mockerized this concept innumerable ways during the last ten years (WMDs! bring 'em on! they hate us for our freedoms! mission accomplished!). and we failed to learn from our own bad example.

there's been no national look-in-the-mirror. no reflection on our role in a world where the u.s. may be feared but not admired. we're forward-lookers, by golly, and we're americans. we write the history, we don't need to learn from it, too.

no matter. osama bin laden is dead. the world, we are told, is a safer place.

if that's true, perhaps now we can stop shooting ourselves in the foot.

‎"the ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. in fact, violence merely increases hate. so it goes. returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -- martin luther king, jr

hey kid, stop that annoying breathing...

"I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room."
--george w. bush

our gentle descent into the jungle continues.

today we're telling low-income parents that they should reconsider taking their sick child to the emergency department--because it's just too darn expensive.

and really, that kid's wheezing asthmatic fit will probably pass. eventually. maybe.

"Washington state's plan to cut Medicaid would limit emergency room visits for potentially serious conditions such as breathing trouble and more. Two-thirds of the 1.1 million state residents covered by Medicaid are children.

"...critics say conditions such as hypoglycemic coma or asthma attacks weren't considered to be emergencies. They worry that parents and patients might self-diagnose and make risky, life-threatening choices to stay under the limit — particularly since budget cuts are reducing other options."

is it not remarkable the things we'll allow so the gentry can avoid paying a few more tax dollars? washington state residents recently defeated a tax on candy, soda, and bottled water, so poor kids could lay around gasping for air while their parents agonize over a trip to the emergency department.

let's savor that a moment, shall we? we in washington state are so enamored of our heart-clogging candy, high fructose corn soda, and ocean-choking plastic water, that rather than pay a few cents more for them, we'll deprive sick children of emergency healthcare.

when did the plan to eliminate poverty become the eradication of the poor? and damn those people for hogging all the emergency care...

"...emergency rooms have only been required to treat all patients regardless of ability to pay since the 1986 passage of the EMTALA Act. And of course Republicans routinely complain about EMTALA to this day, calling it a 'hidden tax' on the insured and railing against the fact that it doesn't allow hospitals to dump illegal immigrants with heart attacks in the gutter."

so, this is what we've come to? this is how we're defining "civilized" behavior in the greatest country on earth (and make no mistake, most states and the federal government are similarly cutting funds for the most vulnerable in favor of those who need no help at all).

we're devolving into a talking-monkeyocracy. before long we'll all be jumping up and down, shrieking, and waving sticks in the air, while dolphins and border collies look at us and roll their eyes.

even "dumb" animals take care of their offspring. you'd think the least we could do is offer ours emergency care to offset all the candy and soda.

it's the civilized thing to do.

the first cut is the deepest

congratulations on the purchase of your electric lawn mower!

with reasonable care and maintenance, your new mower will provide years of service (where electric power is available).

your new mower is environmentally friendly in that it produces zero emissions! (note: nuclear generator, coal-fired plant, or similar power source required.)

your new mower is effortless to start and maintain (note: some plastic pieces may detach and be caught in rotating blades. use caution when being hit by flying pieces, as unsafe bleeding may occur. disconnect power immediately and call 911 if needed.).

some assembly required; do not attempt to use mower prior to assembly.

children should not attempt to use mower. adults should use mower only with parental supervision.

when using this mower, always wear adequate ear protection, eye protection, hand protection, foot protection, and electrical protection. failure to wear adequate protection may result in injury or death.

important notes about your new electric mower:

1. this is not a self-propelled mower; user must push mower and activate blade to cut grass.

2. this is not a gas-powered mower; it may not cut through long grass. if your grass is long, a gas-powered mower may be required (where gasoline is available).

3. this is not a gas-powered mower, but it is still plenty loud. especially when attempting to cut long grass.

4. why did you let your grass get so long?

5. this mower may be used in "mulch" mode. even when not in "mulch" mode, it will leave behind residue similar to a grass smoothie (especially if your grass is long).

6. your dogs may eat and regurgitate grass smoothie-residue.

7. grass smoothie residue will cling vigorously to mower wheels, shoes, and dog paws. it is easily removed upon contact with indoor surfaces such as floors, rugs, and couches.

8. grass smoothie residue may obstruct rear bag assembly; use caution when allowing mower blades to amputate fingers, as unsafe bleeding may occur. disconnect power immediately and call 911 if needed.

9. electricity and water don't mix! do not run over exposed sprinkler heads as this may cause unsafe contact between water and electric current.

10. if water and electric current come into contact, unsafe ventricular fibrillation may occur; disconnect power immediately and call 911 if needed.

11. do not run over electric cord (user-supplied); power to mower may be interrupted. do not allow "live" end of severed power cord to touch wet grass or grass smoothie residue. do not stand on wet grass or grass smoothie residue when in contact with "live" end of severed power cord as unsafe ventricular fibrillation may occur; disconnect power immediately and call 911 if needed.

12. mower blades may become dull after cutting grass. use caution when sharpening blades as metal shavings may work their way into skin and enter bloodstream. if metal shavings enter heart or other organ via bloodstream, do not attempt to remove without supervision of a trained healthcare professional.

13. do not attempt to adjust wheel height while mowing.

14. do not attempt to clean mower blades and undercarriage while mower is plugged into a power source.

15. failure to observe these recommendations may void warranty.

stress position

there's a great scene from "broadcast news" in which a hapless editor/engineer makes a mistake on an imminent deadline.

this is important only in that if he doesn't fix it, instantaneously, there's a big hole, live, in the middle of jack nicholson's evening show.

if he screws this up, he'll be fired and probably never work in news again. meanwhile, the show's type-A producer (holly hunter), is encouraging speed and accuracy while he works by loudly chanting in his ear "bobbybobbybobbybobbybobbybobbybobby..."

* * * * *

last weekend, driving to the girl's gymnastic meet, i got us lost.

by the time i discerned that the google maps directions were wrong, we were late for scheduled warm-ups. and march-in. and probably the first event of the sectionals meet.

this was important only in that if the girl didn't compete (and score well) in all four events, there would be no moving on to the state competition.

if i screwed this up, i'd be dismissed from daddy duties and probably be disinvited to some future event (such as, but not limited to, college graduation, an eventual wedding, and babysitting for grandchildren).

meanwhile from the back seat the girl was encouraging speed and additional speed by chanting in my ear, "daddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddy..."

* * * * *

at this point mrs. spaceneedl demonstrated (yet again) why she's the smart one in the family.

very calmly she got on her iphone, tapped in an address, and conjured up directions delivering us from "lost" to "found."

we still arrived late, but fortunately the girl was competing in the third session of the day...and the first two sessions ran long.

so while my heart missed several beats, she hadn't missed a thing.

* * * * *

epilogue: the cumulative score necessary to advance to state was 32. the girl tallied a 33.8. my most-favorite daddy status was restored and is temporarily secure.

* * * * *

sidebar: there is a slight but finite possibility that there was nothing wrong with the google maps directions.

what fresh hell is this?

johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard
'cause hell's broke loose in georgia and the devil deals the cards
and if you win, you get this shiny fiddle made of gold
and if you lose, the devil gets your soul

~charlie daniels

there's a new devil in town.

and his name is whatever the hell you want it to be.

that's not my opinion, mind you. that's according to pastor rob bell, author of "love wins," a re-examining of the nature of heaven and hell and bedevilry.

"The actual word 'hell,'" Bell writes, "is used roughly twelve times in the New Testament, almost exclusively by Jesus. The Greek word that gets translated as 'hell' in English is the word 'Gehenna.' Ge means 'valley,' and henna means 'Hinnom.' Gehenna, the Valley of Hinnom, was an actual valley on the south and west side of the city of Jerusalem. Gehenna, in Jesus's day, was the city dump.

"People tossed their garbage and waste into this valley. There was a fire there, buring constantly to consume the trash. Wild animals fought over scraps of food along the edges of the heap. When they fought, their teeth would make a gnashing sound. Gehenna was the place with the gnashing of teeth, where the fire never went out...

"And that's it."

that's it? that's hell? i mean, it would be if you lived nearby, but still... where's the branding? where's the iconography? where's the spokesperson for eternal torture?

as you might expect, rev. rob's take on cherished christian dogma is raising quite a ruckus. critics are outraged that his hell is bereft of molten effluvia and bullwhips and harsh language. they like their devil red and pointy-tailed and pitch-forky. nattily outfitted with cloven hooves, a serpent's tongue, and an exquisite black goatee.

that's a devil everyone can agree on, in the same way everyone knows jesus had long red hair, milky-white skin, and a really nice toga. just like the rest of the middle-eastern jews of his time.

despite all the upset, brother rob's hades is plenty scary. he describes a hell complete with dismemberment, murder, and starvation that would make any devil chortle with delight. but those examples are earthly, and therefore seem unlikely to instill sufficient fear to deter socially inconvenient behavior. and isn't that the point 2,000 years of hellish PR?

besides which, everyone has their own phobias to keep them hunkered down. fears that are their own work of art, panoramic plays of light and dark and nuance and cliche. yours are especially disturbing, aren't they? care to share?

okay, i'll go first. my worst fear is that i'll be forced to live on a tropical island populated with happy, smiling folks who visit for a week or two then go away, replaced by a fresh batch of people who arrive, spend a lot of money, then go back whence they came. and so on for the aforementioned forever.

but that's me. that's my fear. please, mr. devil, don't throw me into the palm tree patch.

your fears, undoubtedly, are more rational. it seems entirely reasonable, for example, that you'd be afraid of snakes. big ones, with heads the size of your fist, that bite your arm and twist and squirm and won't let go, ever. little venomous ones that slither and hide, with teeth so needle-fine you don't even realize the poison is rushing to your heart. snakes in the grass. snakes on a plane. snakes on a boat, snakes on a goat. hissssssss.....

no? not your cup o' hot steaming hell? that's fine, not to worry. there are plenty more where that came from. like...

wanting a job, but being chronically unable to get one. having a job, but living in fear of losing it.

a child, once adorable and adoring, who now doesn't like you. at all.

a disease that makes you forget what you're doing, who you are, and why that stranger is wearing a ring with your name engraved on it.

a lump that wasn't there the last time you checked.

radiation from safe, sunshine-and-rainbow reactors.

oil spewing endlessly into coastal waters, covering living creatures with a dark blankets of crude.

scary, right? and these fears are entirely available, here and now, no dying required. not immediately, anyway.

point of metaphysical clarification: if the purpose of "hell" is to keep the faithful compliant, an actual devil isn't really necessary, is it? i mean, couldn't some clever dogmatists just invent a scary "beast of the underworld," and sell the hell out of him? is the question itself heretical? yes! yes! and yes!

Bell said he wrote the book because the Christian message that God is love seems to have gotten lost.

"I kept meeting religious people who were incredibly dogmatic about heaven and hell when you die, but didn't seem to care about the fact that 800,000,000 people will go to bed hungry tonight," he told the crowd.

He said that what he called "evacuation theology," or the idea that "Jesus is your ticket to somewhere else," is dangerous because it can cause people to miss Christ's message about how to live in such harmony with God that you are creating a heaven on Earth.

"Jesus taught his disciples to pray, not 'God, beam me up,' but 'Thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven,'" Bell said.

well, no wonder rob's book has got so many people so in a tizzy. that kind of jesus talk doesn't mesh well with kicking the poor and the sick when they're down. it's inconsistent with educating children and feeding the hungry. it totally doesn't synch up with the unblinking corporatocracy some are working so hard to build.

in a world with so many demons afoot in the land of the living, satan is redundant. but as brother bell probably wouldn't say, in many ways the prince of darkness might actually be preferable.

the devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat
and he laid that golden fiddle on the ground at johnny's feet
johnny said "devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again
i done told you once, you son of a bitch, i'm the best that's ever been

rainy days and thursdays...

when the rain comes
they run and hide their heads
they might as well be dead
when the rain comes
when the rain comes

--john, paul, george and ringo

it's a rainy day in washington state.

not the usual kind, but rather, the kind that soaks working people.

it seems the state's budget crisis is worse than previously advertised, and the usual list of hapless targets is again being set up to pay for the shortfall.

hand it over, state employees. you too, school kids. hey, you poor people--ante up.

new taxes, taxes on the wealthy, closing corporate loopholes? don't be ridiculous. we've got this bunch of saps we can throw overboard first.

state employee unions, see, are monoliths made of money, from which chunks can be chipped away endlessly. and oooh, look at the sculptures created in the process...

it's a teacher scratching her nails on a chalkboard!

no, it's a state trooper with his hands up like he's being robbed!

wait, now it's a librarian hanging a "closed" sign on the dewey decimal system!

isn't fine art great? every time you look at it, you can see something new and teeth-grindingly different!

but, you know, whatever. if we can't afford to pay state employees, we'll just have to find other things for them to do.

like, maybe, making torches and pitchforks.

port, meet storm

the crisis in japan is still dire, but at least it's not deteriorating as quickly as it was a few days ago.

but what would you expect after an unprecedented magnitude 9.0 earthquake, a horrific tsunami, and an ensuing nuclear disaster?

you might reasonably expect the united states to learn from japan's tragic experience.

but, you know, ha.

california, the epicenter of instability (geology-wise and otherwise), is home to two nuclear plants in areas of "severe seismic risk."

there is significant concern about the safety of those facilities in the event of a "larger than expected" earthquake. probably for good reason:

"...the Diablo Canyon nuclear plant, which sits less than a mile from an offshore fault line, was not required to include earthquakes in its emergency response plan as a condition of being granted its license more than a quarter of a century ago. Though experts warned from the beginning that the plant would be vulnerable to an earthquake, asserting 25 years ago that it required an emergency plan as a condition of its license, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission fought against making such a provision mandatory as it allowed the facility to be built."

no earthquake plan. that's nice. isn't that nice? but mitch mcconnell (R-corporate whore) says we shouldn't get all worked up about nukes and earthquakes. "I don't think right after a major environmental catastrophe is a very good time to be making American domestic policy," he said. “My thought is we ought not to make American domestic policy based on an event that happened in Japan.”

excellent points. we should wait a couple weeks, until the story is out of the news and americans have forgotten all about the major environmental catastrophe. that's a much better time. and it happened in japan, after all! that's, like, another planet! it has nothing to do with anything here.

but enough earthquake-precipitated nuclear talk. let's ignore tsunamis for awhile, instead.

the 2011 budget proposed by the house gop cuts funding to NOAA, effectively leaving the u.s. coast vulnerable to approaching tsunamis. "I think we often over-react to emergencies, especially natural disasters, before we assess the limit of the damage, and particularly with the nuclear part of this," said rep. steve king (R-far-from-any-coast).

yes, of course. no need to get all in a tizzy over emergencies and disasters. instead, let's step back, take a deep breath, and undercut our ability to respond to them at all.

it almost makes you long for the days of gop fear-mongering during the bush administration, getting all frothy about threats to "the homeland" and national security. back then billions could disappear into the sand and deficits didn't matter, because the safety of americans was job #1.

now, apparently, the opposite is true. the deficit is the only thing that matters.

and in the face of disasters of every kind--from unemployment to foreclosures and earthquakes to oil spills--americans are on their own.

an apple a day cures teh gay

Apple under fire for 'gay conversion' app

"The 'gay cure' app was created by Exodus International, a religious organisation which believes in teaching 'freedom from homosexuality through prayer and practicing conversion therapy.'"

"The app is offered free on Apple's iTunes online shop and was given a '4+' rating by the company, meaning it is not considered to contain objectionable content. Apple was criticized earlier this year for approving an app that encouraged users to take a stand against gay marriage."

i don't know why everyone is getting so upset.

this is great news. i mean, if an itunes app can convert gays to straighthood, imagine what else might be possible.

for one, it should be equally possible to convert straight people to gayness. maybe even without their consent. wouldn't that be a hoot? imagine your favorite hate-monger and homophobe as a flamboyant, out-of-the-closet gay person.

then imagine throwing them to the wolves, in amongst their fellow haters, just for a little while. whoa, the manolo blahniks are on the other feet now, ain't they bubba? how's that feel?

while we're at it, how much dev time would be required to convert faux christians into real christians? whoo, would that be awkward for them, or what? i mean, to suddenly have to actually, you know, practice all that jesus stuff? for the government to spend all those trillions (trillions!) on peace and health and children instead of death and devastation? for wall streeters to have to stop stealing? for focus on the family folks to focus on actual families? crazy!

how about an energy policy app? one that would require a committment to sustainability in lieu of turning the planet into an irradiated tar pit.

a jobs app that would put people to work rebuilding this country instead of watching it fall down around us.

an education app that teaches people that being smart actually does make one elite...and that's a good thing.

a time travel app that shows you how your life is going turn out if you don't stop acting like an idiot all the time. this one could be bundled with the education app, and linked to the job app, with screen captures of the many happy alternatives available to those who embrace the possibilities.

when those apps become available, of course.

in the meantime, though, we'll apparently have to settle for the funny little gay cure app which does nothing but point out the need for many other apps that might actually be worth a damn, and might actually exist if so many idiots weren't wasting so much time on this kind of idiocity.

utah! for multiple gunshot wounds, this is the place!

Utah! With its focus on family,
Utah! Helps each child to succeed.
People care how they live.
Each has so much to give.
This is the place!

Utah! Getting bigger and better.
Utah! Always leading the way.
New technology's here...
Growing faster each year.
This is the place!

-- from the utah state song

utah is a conservative place.

the majority of its residents don't approve of alcohol, or caffeine, or premarital canoodling.

they like their dogma rigid and their politicians far to the right (farther. no, farther. keep going...you're still not there).

so it probably should surprise no one that utah is out there on the leading edge in the all-american celebration of guns.

did you know:

the utah state insect is the honey bee (busy little pollenizer, honey for my decaf tea...this is the bee!)

the state folk dance is the square dance (lots of awkward white people, moving in a trance...this is the dance!)

the state rock is coal (pointed at our climate, loaded bituminous glock...this is the rock!)

and now the great state of utah is the first in the nation to have its own official handgun (30,000 deaths a year, second amendment fun...this is the gun!)

60% of utahns identify themselves as mormons. 80% of the utah legislature is mormon. that's a lot of alleged jesus admirers. how do you suppose they reconcile his message of peace with their new state weapon?

Before approving the bill, the Utah State Senate added language to acknowledge that the Legislature does not condone acts of violence.

oh.

interesting technical notes:

the M1911 semiautomatic pistol is designed for use at close range. it fires a .45 caliber round capable of blowing large holes in soft tissue. available high-capacity magazines allow the user to fire up to 14 rounds in about 10 seconds. yay, stopping power!

the sponsor of utah's new symbol, rep. carl wimmer, (R-bloodlust), said the gun symbolizes "freedom and empowerment." does it really, carl? or is a gun more about weakness and fear and a small penis?

whoops! we digress.

and anyhoo, it's done. like the song says, utah is always leading the way, helping each child succeed. but you have to wonder, which of utah's most pious family-focused legislators asked: who would jesus shoot, and what kind of ordnance would he use?

past tense

she was young and beautiful and buxom.

i had no trouble believing she was once a playboy centerfold.

that was the rumor, see, about my seventh grade teacher. i had no idea if it was true--there was no internet, no viral video, no google image search. there was only adolescent imagination.

and, you know, woof.

in today's digital, new media, 24/7 world, however, proof of the past is never more than a few clicks away. every indiscretion is catalogued for future reference. on the Web or in it? there's no escaping, denying, or justifying.

this is true whether you're a pitching prospect with a rape problem, an amusive gop president-wannabe, or a teacher who once starred in porn films.

of the three, whom do you suppose was flash-fried by the spotlight?

background:

josh lueke, a minor league pitcher with major league potential, was charged with a couple disturbing crimes in 2008. a plea bargain and felony probation later, he was acquired via trade by the seattle mariners. despite the fact that the case was all over the internet, the mariners insisted they knew nothing of it.

newt gingrich famously cheated on two wives on his way to a third. he pressured one to sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. these facts are important only because gingrich reportedly is on the cusp of a run for president.

then there's tera myers. sixteen years ago, a homeless mother of two, myers featured prominently in film productions of ill repute. she starred in some porn flicks. dissatisfied with the direction of her career, she joined the army, and eventually was honorably discharged. she went to school on the GI bill, and became a teacher. for awhile.

current events:

lueke is on his way to the seattle mariners. his invaluable ability to throw a ball fast apparently has spared him significant consequences, putting him in position for a big league payoff.

in a recent interview with the christian broadcast network, gingrich blamed in part "his passion for america" for "things that happened" in his life that "were not appropriate." despite being a toxic drip in america's bloodstream for many years, newt has become fabulously wealthy feeding on media exposure like a black hole sucks up light.

tera myers currently is out of a job. yes, what she did was totally legal, and sure she was homeless and trying to support herself and two children, but still...it was porn! she should never be able to join the military, go to school, get a degree, and get a job doing something other than porn, ever. i mean, obviously.

the takeaway:

always in america, follow the money.

sometimes an athlete with the potential to sell tickets and help win games for a major sports franchise can commit ugly crimes and not do the time.

sometimes low-quality people become wealthy celebrity politicians, thriving on the low-quality goals of their benefactors.

and always, always...low-paid porn stars and low-paid teachers are equally likely to get screwed.

one ticket to paradise

the missus is going to hawaii.

without me.

hypothetically, if one of us is obliged to travel someplace fabulous on business, the other should be able to tag along without breaking the bank.

the hotel, after all, is paid for. as is one airfare.

business dinners dramatically reduce the cost of meals, so all that's left to cover is round-trip airfare for one.

well, that and the cost of leaving the children behind.

they're too young to stay home alone, and too high-maintenance to pawn off on neighbors. flying the grandparents in for a few days adds significantly to the bottom line. and we haven't yet mentioned the current cost of flights to hawaii, which is enough to make your ears bleed.

bla bla bla. i'm not going.

instead, i'm considering this great alternative, which is totally within the budget.

so, make it one ticket to paradise, please, and three tickets to tornado alley...

give 'til it hurts

cut them to the bone. then keep on cutting.

it's nice, isn't it, that so many americans are sacrificing in these difficult times? what's not so nice is that the people doing the sacrificing are the ones who can afford it least.

here's a fun story that poses the not-rhetorical question, "have washington public employees given enough?"

the premise being, if you work for the state of washington you owe it to everyone to work for free. if you object, you're an overpaid union thug who's unfit to work for the state.

Since the recession hit, the Legislature has suspended cost-of-living increases for state workers. In addition, more than a third of state workers in the past year took unpaid days off. The number of furlough days varied by agency and job, but some workers have taken at least seven unpaid days since last year, with more coming.

(Gov.) Gregoire has proposed an additional 3 percent cut in pay through unpaid time off during the next two years...

teachers? you expect to be paid? isn't the privilege of teaching our children reward enough?

please note that the vast majority of state workers make between $30,000 and $60,000 a year. so by definition, they are not driving expensive cars, taking fabulous vacations, or living in posh neighborhoods.

rather, they are barely getting by. they live paycheck to paycheck. and they are one financial setback away from ruin.

but that instability is not enough for some.

State Sen. Joe Zarelli, R-Ridgefield, Clark County, argues even more needs to be done to reduce state worker costs, either by lowering wages and benefits, or cutting the size of the general government work force.

State Sen. Rodney Tom, D-Bellevue, agrees. "We can't have a world where public employees are the haves and the taxpayers are the have-nots," Tom said.

interestingly, tom's "haves and have-nots" phrase is identical to the language used by wisconsin governor scott walker during a dec. 7 press conference. walker is currently engaged in ambitious plan to break wisconsin's public employee unions, eviscerate its public schools, return women's health standards to the middle ages, and beat on baby animals with rusty-nail two-by-fours.

he's not a quality individual.

zarelli, it should be noted, introduced a strangely wisconsin-esque bill to gut collective bargaining for washington public employees. his bill was killed, eliciting howls of rage from hell.

like wooden dummies, walker, zarelli and toms are reciting the exact same lines--and it begs the question: who's yanking their strings/giving them their talking-orders? and how much have they been paid to be so pliable?

additional point of order: in what world does $30-60K make you one of the "haves"? and just for the the sake of discussion, aren't public employees taxpayers as well? if so, this would make them haves and have-nots simultaneously, creating a vacuum that nature abhors--almost as much as it hates legislators who hate government.

and really, isn't this where the corporatist, antigovernment rat-hole leads? "public employees cost too much. we should eliminate their pensions! we should bust their unions! we should privatize public services and give sweetheart contracts to our donor-cronies!"

thanks, corporatist antigovernment rats.

have you noticed? right-wingers no longer wrap themselves in christianity and family values. which is a good thing, strategically, because good luck selling any of that jesus stuff now.

in the revised gospel of right wing america, we disdain the poor and the sick and the children. sacrifices must be made. and the cutting will begin on the least among us.

* * * * *

update: the divide as observed by jon stewart...

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